just got back from hell

man it was bad, really bad.... hell is a bad place to be.... i've spent two years there in 2007 and 2008, mostly coz of living in bulgaria and hating that i'd left california behind me and closed the door to living in america at the time............. that was a massive dose of hell in those days............

just recently, because of some issues with my wife and missing my kids and not having seen them for about six weeks now and not having seen them at all on skype for about five days, that was really a very difficult hell i had plumbed......... in the past two days or so i had calculated the best way to suicide (by attaching a hose to my car exhaust during a camping trip) and considered what my children's and wife's future might be like with me deceased and also what i might expect in the afterlife............

after talking to my kids and watching them play on skype for an hour i feel alot better now....... clearly my kids are my mission in life and reason to live.... if they died in some kind of accident i'd probably end up considering suicide seriously as an option........... the best thing i can do is be strong and alive for them...... i don't think my wife would end up taking them away from me permanently one day, ie., to a different country, in which case i'd relocate and ask for access.... but if i couldn't have a relationship at all with them one day coz of spousal estrangement or something like that i'd likely end up with super-low levels of dopamine and seratonin and very seriously consider suiciding............. i don't really think there's anything wrong in suiciding if you're not leaving any loved ones behind............ or if your wife doesn't want anything to do with you and won't let you see your kids, i'd say, go ahead and kill yourself if that's what you think is best............ i don't think not killing yourself and being a jerk and clinging on to life out of fear of death would get you into heaven, especially being a jerk............ i think they only way you can have a good afterlife is by living a life of good intentions...........even if you bombed all these kids in syria like the russians are doing now, they're going to be judged on their intentions, not on all the kids they bomb.......... i can't believe how much i love my kids, it's just ridiculous........... all this christian business about loving your enemies, etc, i don't really understand it well because people that say that say like you can't just only love your tribe, like your kids and grandkids, and you interests like that, but really, if you can't love your own flesh and blood kids strongly, you're really making a big mistake.......... i don't believe in adoption and all this business much, obviously there are cases where it seems necessary, but kids should stick by their parents and parents should stick by their kids, i don't believe in daughters turning against mothers and all that business so much, it doesn't seem to make sense

also all these people that say if you kill yourself you're going to end up reincarnating and facing the exact same problems? why should you? life is a labyrinth, like a maze and we're all just making our choices as we see fit and shit happens, it's not like God is trying to fuck with us like torture pets or something, we have freedom of good and bad, right and wrong, and there's alot of scope for grey and relativity between the two, as in: what is good? what is true? probably in the afterlife there's an absolute good - heaven - and an absolute bad: hell......... but i think, like a lot of war veterans or war survivors or unhappy ex-cops or whatever that see messed up crazy stuff or kill a lot of people in a war or something, and end up killing themselves, i don't think that means they're going to hell........ it's going to matter whether their intentions were good or no

even if your dopamine and serotonin levels are super-low and you don't feel there's anything at all to live for, like you don't want to start a new family or go explore some entirely new country like china or something, and you're not interested in going whoring for a while or taking a long holiday and are just ready to check out, another thing to consider is that you're going to have to fuck around being a child again when you reincarnate.......... that's something right there i know i am not in a hurry to jerk around with --- even if the afterlife in heaven was swell and i wasn't getting my chest shat on the whole time in hell by some annoying thailanders, eitherway, heaven or hell, we're all destined to be born again as a baby which means learning to walk, crawl, having a whole new family, a new language, possibly new nations to discover, screw that.......if you can quit your job and go camping for a while, you might be better off............ you see, there are so many choices in life........ it's just neverending.......... it really never ends.........