movie review: seven brides for seven brothers, 1954

set in 1850s Oregon, a backwoods kind of guy somehow manages to score a foxy bride, she must be enamored with the countryside or the pioneer lifestyle or else her new hubby is plugging her like a porn star because she just busts out in 1950s operatic arias about how swell everything is.... Then she gets to new hubby's farmhouse and it turns out he talks a big game but is actually a total hillbilly by the looks of it, he has six redheaded brothers who stare at his wife like they've never seen a woman before, their home definitely requires a woman's touch. The plot requires they all find brides. If anything else notable happens we'll keep you posted.


ok, she doesn't want to put out on her wedding night but then sings a delightful aria, "when you're in love", and changes her mind. It's classic 1950s Hollywood as the bridegroom is sitting in a tree next to the hokey hillybilly window while she warbles. Btw, if anyone is interested in learning any Hindi, billy means cat and dude means milk.


out at town one brother offers some pretty ladies 'a mite of chewing tobacco', which they take as impudence, a fistfight ensues. now the bride is singing another aria about 'going courting ', as the brothers have a month to prep for a cornshuck dance. The bride's philosophy differs substantially from eazy e from nwa who posited that 'foreplay to [him] ain't shit, when [the woman] spreads them [her legs], then [she ] can cop the dick of the e, if she can deal with the size'...just sayin'.


ok a month has gone by, the men are dressed up all dandy. They are so backwoods, noone from the town dance even recognizes them. The brothers have all found women lickity split and it's time to dance. They are doing a kind of Germanic polka, this turns into a whole different choreographed thing, knees are flying around everywhere. Anyway it's unlikely the brothers would be such professional dancers, as well as everyone else as there's a lot of trees for fellin' and whiles to be set a spellin', and beavers furs fer peltin', just saying.


they're all still dancing and doing gymnastics, finally it ends, I would have put laxatives in their corn broth if I was there.


now the married brother has just sung their dopey love song and we're wondering why we don't have the technology to tell our tv we want eaze e to come along and stop the brother's singing with a bullet to the gut, kind of like in reservoir dogs or pulp fiction, where the victim is all screaming and gurgling. Who knows, maybe in two hundred years time we'll have the computing power, according to moore's law, to do just that!


now the six brothers are singing in the snow, bemoaning their lack of brides, you can tell they aren't Australian because they'd all be in a whorehouse instead. Benjamin says he's going to leave. It's time to go for a jog soon. There's a song about roman days. If eazy e had shot Benjamin's brother earlier we wouldn't get the roman song. He's basically telling his brothers to be more forward in claiming their love interests. Did you know bill and mortgage are the same in Spain and Bulgaria? Factura and hipoteca, that's coz of the Romans! Off the brothers go to claim their women, probably Benjamin too. Wow! They are straight kidnapping them! Throwing towels on their heads and running away with them, this is getting interesting.


a posse is chasing after the kidnapping, lonely brothers, through the snow, there's now a danger of a landslide, avalanche of snow in some pass somewhere. Gunshots ring out, causing an avalanche. The pursuing posse of suitors is thwarted by the avalanche. Now the kidnapped women are brought to Millie, the older brother's wife. She commiserates with the kidnapped women and is very upset with her hillbilly husband for encouraging the kidnapping (he used the Romans as justification to kidnap them). It's all somewhat comical and the brothers are more oafish than violent.


Adam says he's leaving for half a year to the trapper's cabin, Millie doesn't try to stop her hubby from leaving because he has been naughty. The kidnapped women are all sexy vixens and starting to get horny. So far they're sitting tight with Millie. Then Benjamin walks in with a sore leg. The women think he's hot. The women are horny now and just want their beaus, they'll be, holy moley, they're all in their underwear now. The women are catfighting now, they're going crazy about their proximity to the men. Then Millie walks in and drops a bombshell: She's expecting a baby. It's songtime again and these 1950s women are all knockouts. They're snowed in for the winter, getting hornier by the minute, they'll be ready to marry the Chinese railroad builders and go home to a Cantonese opium den in no time at all.


Millie has a baby girl, Adam is fetched for yonder but wont go as is sore something mighty with Millie, not even to meet his own baby daughter. Meanwhile, spring has arrived after a winter of the kidnapped ladies schmoozing up real close to the six brothers, the townsfolk are set to go rescue the kidnapped women from yonder hillbilly farm.


everyone is getting along dandy at the farm. Adam meets his baby Ben Bernanke, for the first time, they call her Hannah. Benjamin still hasn't gone for a jog. Adam wants to take the women back to town now that the pass is open. The brothers don't want that but Adam explains that fighting with the women's kinfolk, especially now as they're coming for them will only alienate their new girlfriends. The women's kinfolk have arrived at the hillbilly farm and are fixing to hang the kidnapping brothers but instead a shotgun wedding occurs with Benjamin, Caleb and the rest of the brothers. The end, time for a jog!