 |
| ludwig VAN beethoven |
Friday, April 29, 2011
adventures of beethoven and mozart in cambodia
mozart flicks on the tv in the van which is tuned to bloomberg channel as the two pull off...
'look man, today's activity - it's gonna cost thousands of dollars in rocket grenades alone, and just wait until you see the targets, they won't be cheap either...
but guess what? courtney, my new finance person, is right on top of it... she's killed it beethoven.... she invested in futures and made a killing...'
'futures?' asked beethoven...
 |
| RPG weapons similar to those found on Mozart's red van |
'yeah man, watch that strip at the bottom of the screen... it's telling you a speculated price of corn and wheat 8, 9 and 10 years from today,' responded mozart...
'but how can anyone know how much corn could cost 10 years from today?' asked beethoven...
'well no-one knows for sure, but you can factor in different denominators like likely supply, likely demand, likely change in policies like in brazil they make all their petrols with biofuels......... and then there's the weather.... we study la nina rainfall patterns and make educated guesses....'
'but what's the point?' asked beethoven
'well it's important that the farmers can be guaranteed a good price for their hard work beethoven, by speculating on futures the farmers can invest in a form of insurance for their own product in the event that prices for what they sow aren't up to scratch with what they thought they would be when they planted...'
'wow,' said beethoven....
'yeah wow,' responded mozart
'but isn't it all a form of corrupt gambling?'
'i'd have to say no,' answered mozart... 'you see, speculation provides the money for all kinds of business ventures to get off the ground... only a free market system can give research and development and entrepreneurs the support they need...'
'if that's true then why is a centrally planned, authoritarian society like china poised to become the world's biggest economy?' asked beethoven...
'man, we're here, you sure ask a lot of questions.... check out the view!' said mozart expansively...
beethoven saw a hillside covered in grazing cows... maybe mozart wanted to buy some shares in the farm there and move on to some other area to shoot his grenades.... 'are we gonna run up and down the hills and pat some of the cows?' asked beethoven jokingly....
'no buddy, we're gonna roll up and down the hills and shoot ALL of the cows, with our RPGs!'
[and now, over 2 years later, a continuation of this story:]
'but why should we kill some innocent old cows with RPGs Herr Mozart?' asked Beethoven.
'because,' said Mozart, firing off his first missile, 'these aren't ordinary cows, these are killer vampire cows, watch and you'll see...' Mozart's first shot raced up a hill and flew clear over the heads of a number of cows parked on top of the hill.... a few moments later an explosion was heard
 |
'dammit, i missed....' observed mozart with consternation.... 'cow cam, give me a lock on the nearest cud munching sonova bitch....' the camera in the van switched from bloomberg channel to show a close up of one of the cud-munching brown bovines who looked non-plussed.... a dainty yet weighty bell jangled from its neck.... 'it seems the rockets' heat-seeking capabilities are unable to lock-in to the cud-munching bastardettes due to their relatively low body-heat signature.... looks like we're gonna have to manually aim and fire down to the last bow-vine.....' mozart sighed, this would take longer than he'd thought.... 'here beethoven, why don't you bring yourself up to speed on some 20th century history?' and so saying, he flipped open an i-pad to beethoven opened to a wikipedia page on the holocaust..... he went on to study his systems a little more, manually pointing the rocket launcher on the roof of the van towards the bovine on cow-cam
'wow, ain't that some shit?' said beethoven after reading for a minute or so
'big time,' responded mozart who understood beethoven was referring to the german mass-genocide of the jews..... 'goddam germans... i've got a lock beethoven, watch this...'
a missile flew off and raced up the hill, one bovine seemed to be hit directly however when the explosion went off it seems the entire group of a half dozen or so were destroyed, on top of that, some cows standing 20 yards away or so appeared to be grievously injured, one was struggling on three legs, about to fall over when its stomachs seemed to gush out of a gaping wound in its underbelly....
'bingo! consigned to purgatory you dirty cud-munching bastards, may they fester there indefinitely!' mozart ejaculated with venom.... beethoven was taken aback at his vitriol and vinegar....
'what have you got against cows?' asked beethoven
'these aren't normal cows beethoven, they're vampire killer cows...'
'you mean like they have foot and mouth disease or something like that?'
'maybe,' responded mozart and played with cow cam some more
'that's bullshit,' said beethoven after a moment
'what you don't believe me?' asked mozart
'no, i mean you're about to drive into a mound of bullshit,' said beethoven and reached over to turn the steering wheel to avoid a considerable pile of bullshit
mozart grabbed the wheel after the bullshit and pulled up next to a cow standing nearby and wound down his window... the cow seemed to look at the two of them imploringly next to mozart's side window and then said:
'moo'
'what did he say?' asked mozart
'it's a cow-word' responded beethoven
'what's a cow-word?' asked mozart
'i don't know, i don't speak cow,' responded beethoven
mozart produced a very large magnum 357 from his door and pointed it at the cow's head
'now listen,' said mozart to the cow, 'i'll kill you all dead, you're all a bunch of crystal meth junkies....'
'you frickin' crazy homey,' responded the cow in fairly comprehensible english
boom, the cow's head exploded after mozart discharged his magnum 357
'let's go finish the rest of them off beethoven, they're all crystal meth junkie druggies here, believe me.... blow their brains out with the RPG targeting system and i'll go ahead and shoot 'em with my gun here some....'
mozart flicked his radio on to his favorite wilson phillips song
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uIbXvaE39wM (hold on)
the two proceeded to deliver a falsetto rendition of the song, even poignantly shaking their heads from side to side as they sang, and destroyed the hundreds of cows on the farm, you could even say it was fun
there was time enough after that act to watch a colony of mice laying little mini tiles, making some kind of mosaic......
'do you like mice tile?' one of them ventured.........
moments later they rode off, mozart headed for a nearby freeway and switched the station to classical music channel
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SLuW-GBaJ8k (straus - also sprach zarathustra)
mozart started accelerating to a ridiculous speed, well over 200 miles an hour, how could the van be so powerful beethoven wondered? then, mozart suprised him saying,
'beethoven old boy, put your hand on my gearstick...'
beethoven looked over at him and obliged him as he had both hands on the steering wheel
'now shift it into the F position...' mozart said
'what does the F stand for,' asked beethoven while doing what mozart asked of him
'flight mode,' said mozart, as indeed, two long wings began to protrude from either side of the van where before were just flat panes
in a moment they became airborn and beethoven gasped in surprise....
'pull that harness bar over your head down to your neck beethoven,' said mozart, doing the same to himself
beethoven did so and watched as the little red van flew higher and higher into the sky, fields of rice paddies and mountains opened up entire vistas beneath the two... mozart wound the windows up to keep the cold air out, soon they were ascending through clouds
'beethoven,' said mozart, as the strauss symphony climaxed.... 'it's been good seeing you, and thanx for the shoes (beethoven must have gifted him shoes by the looks of it).... i'll smell you later.... stay strong, keep it rococo.... there's a backpack under your seat, open it' and so saying mozart pressed a button on his dashboard and the roof about beethoven's head opened up all of a sudden and beethoven went hurtling vertically up still in his seat, a gust of chill air blasted him and he could see next to naught, as he was in the midst of a cloud formation.... a parachute shot up automatically from the seat beethoven was strapped and harnessed into and it began to gently waft down.... beethoven fell through the clouds and saw it was snowing.... snow in cambodia, thought beethoven, how odd..... beneath the carpet of clouds, the sun was setting and beethoven caught a last glimpse of mozart's van, now far in the distance.... he looked below, the ground slowly and gently reached for him.... he remembered the backpack under the seat, he should get it when he lands on the hilly steppes below... hopefully the firs wouldn't be an issue
.
beethoven held onto the harness that was over his neck, the fall was pleasant although it was a bit cold, the view was amazing, as he fell lower already the nearest mountaintop or oversized hill was off a little ways and he could see a bare patch of land, the fir trees he had spotted earlier were actually quite far away, it seemed he would land on a slightly hilly, grassy mound used for cattle crazing and there's was nothing bumpy or sharp looking, he braced for his landing, he hoped it wouldnt' hurt his legs which dangled down from the car seat.... it didn't, he fell a little over to the side and the parachute draped harmlessly a few yards away, he undid his seatbelt and found a latch to unclick the harness that protected his head and stood up, he looked under the seat, there was a bag there as mozart said, he opened it, inside there was a trash bag full of something with a note attached:
beethoven: use the trash in this bag to start a fire and warm your hands, there's a lighter in the bag, please collect the parachute, fold it nicely and put it in this bag, i've gone off to get some nuclear weapons to arm my RPGs the way i want them, some of the locals are expecting you and will collect you for dinner, keep your hands warm, we'll catch up later
(to be continued)
No comments:
Post a Comment