Imagine:
Will playing a shithot real estate agent that can rent anything to anyone anytime, dynamite.......... give him two retard failure to launch sons, bingo and bongo and you have a hit
TAGLINE: Real Estate is about to get realer
Funny quotes: Boingo I told you guys to cut the grass
Don't use our collective name, we hate that, call us Bingo and Bongo. Anyway Bongo bet me he'd change more signs in the city from Volvo to Vulva
Can you cut it tomorrow?
No, tomorrow I have to beat Bongo's score, I have to change everywhere it says Jaguar into Faguar, otherwise I'm going to lose all my golf balls.
Bongo's at a disadvantage, he has to change two letters.
See I told you! Volvo has two letter l retard!
****
Katie if momma Hoare were here today she'd be so proud of you, on your way to a PhD in philosophy, your parents must be so proud of you.
Thanks Mr Hoare, I'm just hoping Bingo can get it together to propose to me properly so I can be the first Hoare in this family to have a PhD.
Since Ebenezer Hoare in 1881.
Bongo he died of scurvy about two days after he set foot on American soil and technically it was still part of Mexico back then.
Just sayin'
*********
https://youtu.be/cfLIlP-GAmg
special behind the scenes, flashing gold and turquoise limited edition collector's pack.... Never before seen, exclusive behind the scenes footage....
Matt Damon as Bongo:
Martene, Martene I need to ask you something about today's shoot.
Go a'ead Matt, ask zis
Wait, are you talking in a French accent now?
What? Oh Matt, I bumped my 'ead zis morning, now I 'ave zee crazy French accent, 'opefully it won't be pRoblem
Ok that's interesting. Look about....
Matt, I 'ave to tell you. You 'ave been working beautifully dis past eight days, every ting she is going great. But I'm a little concerned about today's shooting and every ting about scene thirty two and 'ow it runs into zee ending. Also you know we are filming some different endings with zee crew rotations so nobody knows what's what
That's what I wanted to ask you about
Matt I understand, look you know I never tell zee people this but my father was a gambler 'ho left my modder when I was just a little garçon. My modder she 'ave no money she 'ave to work as the prostitute to pay zee bills then she die of chlamydia when I was ten. Dis terrible shame I feel Matt, I 'ope you never really 'ave to feel it. But at zee same time, I want you to understand when Bongo 'as his big megaphone soliloquy scene near zee movie climax, we're filming dis next week, I need you to prepare me for dis now Matt.
Ok
Matt 'ave you ever heard zee expression, if a tree fall in zee forest 'ow can she make zee sound if no person is there witnessing it?
Yes
Matt you know Leonardo he won zee Oscar for jerking off in the Basketball Diaries on zee roof?
Wait, you've lost me. Before today you never spoke in a French accent and I never knew you were French.
Mauritian
Ok today you're Mauritian and speak with a French accent and you've never done that before.
That you've 'eard of.
That I've 'eard of. But you've frappeé
Banged
Banged your head and now you're talking with a French accent.
Yes, also I am cis-sexual but looking to transition to trans-sexual with a room for wriggle room in case I change zee mind.
Wow, that's even a thing
There's always a first time for everything Matt.
Ok, well every minute is costing $100,000 as they say in the movies. How should I prepare start preparing for Bongo's big megaphone soliloquy next week?
Matt I t'ought you would ne'verre ask. Just watch zee loop video we 'ave prepared at your trailer of zee Leonardo jerking off over and over again. Try and watch it for as long as you can, twenty minutes, quatre vingt minutes
That's eighty minutes
More, cinq heure if you can
Five hours.
Ten Matt, do you dare?
I should do this every day?
Do it as much as possible Matt
(The following week)
Ok Martene, I can't believe I could spend so much time watching Leonardo DiCaprio jerk off on a roof in the Basketball Diaries, over and over and over again, and I did it just for you. How's your whole transgender thing going?
Well look Matt, I 'ave zis stylish new shirt, look: "seize me and my army bitch", and she 'as zee little number 16s on zee sleeves. You know seize....
Is French for sixteen, very cool Martene, that's going to be a hit in the locker room, whether you choose the men's or the women's. Magnifique.
Sanks Matt, ok are you ready for a work out? You're going to be scaling this mountain of fake trash with your megaphone, you hit zee summit and in zee movie she play the music from the best song ever, St Elmo's Fire....
(Martene starts singing and dancing)
I can see a new horizon underneath zee blazin' sky
I'll be where zee eagle's flying higher and higher
Gonna be your man in motion, all I need's this pair of wheels
Take me where my future's lyin', St. Elmo's fire (Ooh, oooh, oooh)
Ok I'm hoping we get a hit in under ten takes and wrap this today coz that's a mighty big mountain of fake trash, thank God it doesn't stink.
Right Matt, we get the ascent with three cameras in one hit I guarantee unless you goof big or something very unforeseen. Then after zat we can raise you on a cherry picker for close ups at zee summit. You give your big megaphone speech after lunch zer.
What the hell 'appened to zee hot water? I had to skip on a cold shower today.
It's really not my doing Matt, you can get your assistant to take you to zee 'otel across zee road after we shoot the ascent. It should be fixed by zee evening. Ok look before we shoot zee ascent now, pop on those little steps there on zee green screen, this is the part after you've given your big speech to zee Union about the working conditions you're willing to accept on your megaphone. Your character is going to set fire to the mountain of trash and Tarzan rope out of there sans Jane. Tommy (zee stunt double) will take care of the big rope swing. So we need you to grab the inverosimily large white dick dildo with zee massive testicles toss it off down there then grab the Tarzan rope and swing down three little steps to zee floor. Don't pull a muscle please Matt I beg you. We'll knock this out then do the ascent and you can break til after lunch and get a shower.
Why do I need to toss a massive white dick and testicles off?
It's zee Molotov cocktail, remember we shot you lighting one up a couple weeks back?
Oh yeah.
This massive white dick and testicles is covered in a special coating that will make it very easy for the animation team to CGI a beautiful flaming Molotov cocktail later. Just remember, toss, step, grab, swing. Let's knock zis out now Matt. Just remember to be in character, you've just climbed a mountain of trash and given a stirring speech on your megaphone to all zee garbage persons about better paying conditions for zee Union. Now you're about to dramatically set fire to zee mountain of trash and Tarzan rope out. Maxine's 'ere now to make you look sweaty. Allons y Matt, let's go!
*******************
Meat plow bro....
https://youtu.be/TpcvMWAFLto
Mr Hoare's office
Mr H: real estate, Hoare speaking
Cynthia: Mr Hoare this is Miss Tate at Bradford and Bradford divorce attorneys
Mr H: Cynthia
Cynthia: Mr Hoare, remember that guy you referred to me, Enrique. Mr Enrique, about a month ago?
Mr H: yes I do.
Cynthia: well that guy turned out to be a total psycho
Mr H: well Cynthia, I don't run an FBI personality test on these people. They're entering divorce, they want to sell their house, I sell their house and refer them to you, that's been our arrangement for a while. You give me a good deal on your uncle's timeshare condo in the slopes during ski season, isn't that how we roll?
Cynthia: I'm just saying.....
Mr H: I want to hear about it Cynthia but I have a call coming in, the secretary's out, let's talk later
Caller: Brock Hoare?
Mr H: the one and only.
Caller: Mr Hoare this is Sarina Donohue at the Baptist Church on Elm. I've got your boys Bingo and Bongo here.
Mr H: (pause) go on
Sarina: well it's a little bit odd, they've come along for the toddler play group
Mr H: (pause) and?
Sarina: and well they're just lying on the floor pushing little toy cars around
Mr H: anything else?
Sarina: when I tried talking to them they give me a letter written in crayon saying they're on the spectrum and signed by doctor beat.
Mr H: doctor beat?
Sarina: doc doc doc doc doctor beat. P.s. help me doctor beat, doc doc doc doc doctor beat help me doctor beat
Mr H: that's such a great song
Sarina: it really is, I used to work in the soul part of Harlem with all the classic black artists, I really know it's a great song
Mr H: so what's the problem?
Sarina: well I asked your boys if they want to play with the other kids or lead activities with them, they weren't interested, they're just pushing their toy cars around, not even talking. It's a bit strange
Mr H: look my boys are straight edge, they don't do drugs, if you're worried they're on drugs, don't be. I have to go I have another call coming in. Real estate, Hoare speaking.
Golf club guy: Hoare I had your boys swimming in the pond by the sixteenth hole at my golf club dredging golf balls and removing them, I really don't want that Hoare. Tell them to stop. My balls are my balls Hoare, I don't want your little Hoares playing with my balls. Capeche Hoare? (Line goes dead then rings again).
Mr H: real estate, Hoare speaking.
German sounding caller Gustav: hello Hoare, I hear you can get zee job done in two minutes Hoare, iz correct? It's a very rapid turn around Hoare, where can I sign on?
Mr H: are you serious? You need to rent a place this summer?
German sounding caller: (laughing sounds and phone disconnects)
(Mr Hoare picks up a pen when the phone rings again)
German sounding caller: sorry Hoare, I voz driving through a tunnel. Look I have sore knees and a sore back, Edwards can be a hilly town in places I don't want too many stairs. Also with zee view I want the master bedroom to have a good view. I can handle elevation but only if there's an elevator, no stairs.
Mr Hoare: sir I have your number on my caller ID, I'm going to call you back this afternoon with some options, ok?
German sounding caller Gustav: das is wonderful
(Some time later, Cynthia and Brock Hoare continue discussion)
Mr Hoare: well that's a hell of a story you tell there about Mr Enrique, a helluva story.
Cynthia: (sighs) yeah. (Beat) so did you get the varsity monograms from the tailor?
Mr Hoare: yes they just arrived in fact, I'm opening the packaging now. Bongo got a double l for excelling in spanish
Cynthia: a double l?
Mr Hoare: it's actually a letter in spanish, it's mostly pronounced like a 'y' although that can differ in Argentina.
Cynthia: oh right? Didn't you say they're getting college credits by correspondence?
Mr Hoare: yeah but they're going so slowly, I don't want to go out on a limb rewarding them, same time I want to affirm the efforts they're making.
Cynthia: good strategy Brock. You never know, if their credits add up, they can have a college diploma reasonably soon if they decide to go full time
Mr Hoare: that's the hope. At least they're making money in their free time. Say, can you forward me the tailor's email address, I want to ask him something. (Looking at Bingo's patch, it says 'Binge')
Cynthia: no problem Brock, talk soon, just sent it.
(Mr Hoare's email registers new mail from Cynthia:, subject line: De Sastre In Vests)
(Moments later)
https://youtu.be/g3rFsR94zW4
Mr Hoare: hey Cynthia, I just got off the phone with de Sastre, I didn't know he was from Seville, Spain. And you never told me you were a professional ballroom dancer!
Cynthia: that was a long time ago Brock. Years ago.
Mr Hoare: well de Sastre says there's going to be a big competition in the fall and the Squats will be there competing along with de Sastre and others.
Cynthia: the Squats are excellent dancers Brock, they're semi professional, Ernest Squat is a very competitive man. De Sastre was a champion dancer in Andalusia, he'll be bringing his A game.
Mr Hoare: well he said I should get you to compete with me, as a couple. What do you think?
Cynthia: well it's true I was the reigning tri-county champion until I hit a snag. How about you Brock, can you ballroom dance?
Mr Hoare: well not exactly, I mean there's a few months to take classes, I thought it might be fun and you could show me the ropes. Actually since Mrs Hoare passed away I haven't danced.....
Cynthia: I'm sorry Brock. I understand. Look I'd be happy to be your dance partner. There's just one problem.
Mr Hoare: you don't think we can win?
Cynthia: ok there are at least two problems, as it may not be possible for you to get up to speed.
Mr Hoare: what's the other problem?
Cynthia: remember a few years ago we were going to catch up on the slopes and do some runs together cross country?
Mr Hoare: yeah you had to pull out, why was that?
Cynthia: I had to get surgery on my colon. They attached a bag a little above my left hip and that's where I go to the bathroom if you know what I mean. I had a problem with my large intestine and now I can't crap normally.
Mr Hoare: Cynthia I'm very sorry, I had no idea, you know I was kind of lost with my own problems and didn't realize other people have their own struggles.
Cynthia: I understand Brock. But look, you're left handed aren't you?
Mr Hoare: absolutely!
Cynthia: so you wouldn't need to be placing your right hand there where it would normally go. I keep it covered up noone even notices, I mean sometimes I even crap in Court while I'm cross examining witnesses or in the office taking depositions from clients, you just kind of get used to it.
Mr Hoare: so you're saying we can train together and compete?
Cynthia: I can't see why not Mr Hoare, since you're left handed and all. But I'll have to change my style to dance with a left hander, that actually means you'll be leading with your right foot.
Mr Hoare: does it? I have no idea. Would you like to get started this weekend or should we just make time at work on weekdays?
Cynthia: come by this Saturday around 8pm?
Mr Hoare: I'll be there
Gratuitously adding iron lotus clip:
https://youtu.be/7UpRNOkb4hw
**********
https://youtu.be/tT5k_2ZcBYg
Boingo and KitKat picnic by the river...
Bingo: I always feel like I'm in one of those old French paintings from like two hundred years ago everytime I come here
Kitty: you mean like a Rembrandt?
Bingo: yeah something like that, like what you see in that wine commercial poster you have on your wall
Kitty: that's a Rembrandt
Katie: sure is pretty here, reminds me of back home in Texas. Sure brings a country girl back
(Pause)
Bongo: have you guys ever thought what the future might be like for folks like us a hundred years from today?
Bingo: they'll probably have smellavision
Kitty: I imagine people won't be so stuck on labels and pigeon-holing people culturally
Bongo: well now how do you mean Kitty? Seems to me no matter how a society changes, it's always stuck on labelling and pigeon-holing people otherwise there'd be no culture, nothing that glues folks together
Kitty: well I'd like to see a kind of self realised labelling. So people would freely confess to what kind of an asshole they might be without being two faced
Katie: how exactly would that look?
Kitty: well people once they hit their 40s should be able to tell you: I'm a greedy asshole, I'm a lying bastard asshole, I'm a vain bastard asshole, I'm a two faced bitch asshole can I put your kitty in the microwave and smile like I'm your best friend while I do that? They should all have it on their car bumper sticker and their Facebook
Bingo: yeah right. I mean it'd be cool if young people didn't just make everything about being bi straight gay or transgender transsexual, polyamorous or not and going to college or not going to college. I'd like to live in a world where I'm free to be lost and confused and to freely be labelled as such without prejudice and people in India welcome me as a fellow Hindu even though I'm white. I don't want to be an acceptably cynical switched on woke pill popping druggy zombie ass cliche.
(Cut to scene of Bingo in India arriving dressed as a fakir on a boat to a crowd with 'welcome to our lost and confused new white Hindu brother Bingo' signs)
Swami: welcome Bingo, in your lost and confused fantasy should we gangrape you now then burn you alive? or just stick needles into your eyeballs until you scream and die?
Kitty: that's messed up Bingo
Bingo: I'm just saying
Katie: I think you're all giving the future generations too much credit, if you consider what a bunch of sniveling wusbags we have running around today preening neverendingly for Instagram
Bingo: people have to outgrow that though, it's going to be oldhat and people are going to look back at that like we look at the first cameras like that's ancient
Kitty: I think Katie's right, people are going to be assholes
Bongo: who the hell knows what's going to happen? Who wants some olives?
Bingo: AI is going to be crazy, there's going to be so much data collected on you and so much computing power, you're going to be able to tell the computer to make a movie about you and your friends and everything that happens in it then the next second you'll be watching it, then you'll be able to tell the computer to change stuff around while it's playing out
Bongo: like we can tell the computer to make Katie and Kitty ballerinas on a magic carpet then giant fleas bite their heads off and suck all the blood out of their necks?
Bingo: that's exactly how it will be
Katie: what if people get so dumb and narcissistic they don't realise what kind of assholes they really are and some big tech companies and wall street and China controls everybody's lives with AI, brainwashing everyone with made up news stories based on their data compilation and recordings of everything they say around their phones and car stereos?
Kitty: it's scary, and you try to say something about it and you get labelled crazy and forced to take medications. I want to go to India with Bingo and take my chances there as a lost and confused white Hindu
Bingo: what if too many white people relocate to India to become Hindus and the regular folks start feeling pressured and race riots break out then civil disobedience until equal rights for white Hindus are granted?
Kitty: India can be a place where white Hindus are welcomed and not labelled white supremacists just based on the colour of their skins
(Suddenly Bongo's dedicated what's app phone line exclusively for providing marijuana begins to ring its unique cypress hill ringtone...
https://youtu.be/nR-Va6iMqQ8 )
Katie: well are you gonna answer that young man, or nobody's home?
Bongo: you've reached the joint chiefs potline
Felipe: Bongo it's Felipe I'm in the Catskills proceeding to Chicago, I need three pounds of dope G.
Bongo: what time do you want to get it?
Felipe: Two to three am tomorrow morning near the State line, same place as last. Can you do it for eleven Benjamins?
Bongo: Thirteen, it's hydro. Text me when you're a half hour out I'll get on over.
Felipe: aight
(Phone call ends)
Kitty: and you say that's legal?
Bongo: it's legal for me because it's legal in our State. It's going to be illegal for him depending what State he goes to
Kitty: isn't it a crime?
Bongo: pot's legal in our State. He's going to Chicago, it's a warzone there. We're providing him medications for people suffering PTSD after all the drug shootings there
Kitty: so many drugs, it's a good thing your medications can help fight the war on drugs
Bingo: ain't nobody accused no Hoare of looking a gift horse in the mouth
Bongo: amen to that .... (His cell phone rings someone who answers)
Dinky Dean: you've reached Dinky Dean, I'm available that's why this isn't an answering machine
Bongo: Dinky Dean, Bongo, I need three pounds of that hydro you were gushing about like a loose Japanese geyser recently
Dinky Dean: no problem my man, you know where and when to reach me, just pay me in bitcoin right now and advise when you'll collect
Bongo: excellent, talk soon. (Pause or beat or whatever). Aight let's go to Master Fong's and get some more grub, I'm still hungry, my shout.
Katie: your shout?
Bongo: yeah my shout, means I'll pay for everyone like we ain't going Dutch. Haven't you ever seen the crocodile hunter? Crikey now it's my shout mate.
Master Fong's dumpling joint...
https://youtu.be/S9tKwSboJeg
Bongo: Master Fong how are you? (Bongo talks with a slight faux chinese accent)
Master Fong: hello, what you like to eat?
Bongo: something with seafood and tofu and vegetables, like a stir fry, maybe with rice (no faux accent but flat intonation)
Master Fong: (presses buttons on his screen) have inside or take out?
Bingo: we're gonna eat in, with tea and chopsticks
(Moments later Boingo and Kitty are seated and unsheath their chopsticks and have their tea poured. Katie walks over and sits with them)
Katie: oh my God that restroom has a squat toilet
Kitty: a what now?
Katie: the john is like a hole in the floor you squat over. I didn't know where to put my panties
Kitty: are you serious? Could you flush it?
Katie: yeah it has a flush but you have to squat over it like there's nowhere to sit
Kitty: does it smell bad in there?
Katie: it's not that bad, it's clean, everything's there like normal, you just can't sit down on it
(more groovy FM radio plays....
https://youtu.be/wwXwLU4HihA
Bongo goes into full Chinese mode starting with the waitress after she lays rice out)
Bongo: (using full communist Chinese accent, holds left fist up with clenched fingers facing the floor and places his right forefinger pointing down onto the top of his left fist while engaging eye contact with the waitress). How about the discussion with the Master Fong, possible the call him here now.
Waitress (from China): you like the talk to Mr Fong ok
Boingo and KitKat distribute rice and other steaming food and Master Fong approaches
Master Fong: how about the lunch? You like the music?
Bongo: Master Fong, have a surprise the restroom, just not can have the seat. Katie from a Texas, cannot sit down there, shocking!
Master Fong: oh you not like the toilet, maybe I put a sign there how to use
Bongo: please Master Fong have a consideration the new sign.
(Master Fong nods understanding, he is not put out as Bongo's manner is not confrontational or abrasive so it's not like he's losing face)
Bongo: also Master Fong, consider the rodent problem. With a help from your neighbour next door we are killing all the rodents outside.
Master Fong: the rodents?
Bongo: you have a big rat problem everyday so many. The neighbour next door to you and I, we kill the rat. All of them. That's why you not have the rat problem. Have a consideration. Later we discuss. Now we eat the food, so delicious.
(Master Fong listens and departs. KitKat and Boingo eat for some time then are approached by two women like in their thirties.)
1st lady: well hello boys, remember me?
(Boingo look at her as do KitKat, but they remain silent)
1st lady: I was running the toddler playgroup on Elm Street when you boys were nice enough to show up... With your toys, cars.
(1st lady smiles at them and as they remain speechless she turns to her friend as they are leaving and says explaining)
Those are the boys I was telling you about.
(The ladies from Elm Street church exit and KitKat stare quizzically at Boingo, finally Bongo says by way of explanation)
Bongo: we were rehearsing our moves for the joint chiefs potline mobility section
Katie: you weren't talking about pot in front of little kids were you?
Bongo: no we didn't talk at all, occasionally I made an engine blasting sound like the other kids, no talking. Most of the kids there just stay quiet. Some are too young to talk
(Katie and Kitty share a look with each other)
Katie: I see
(Front desk Mr Fong at cash register answers phone)
Bongo: (still speaking with heavy faux communist chinese/asian accent) Fong, Mister Fong
Mr Fong: yeah this Fong
Bongo: what's that little book under your stack of menu? (Pause) yeah little white book says Pied Piper of Hamlin, have a chinese translation. You can read it. (Pause) consider the rat problem mister Fong. Bongo on table four help you fix. Read book now Fong, talk later. (Bongo disconnects and picks up his chopsticks).
******
https://youtu.be/lUhLgsApDjc
(rolling in car)
68....... 69.... that's it?
That's it, Katie, that's a total of 69 times I've recreated the word Volvo to say Vulva
And you've spelt every single one of them V-O double L V A..... Vollva
Sounds exactly the same, who knew it wasn't spelt like that?
Well you promised me you'd take me dancing all night and you said you had a special surprise for me
Close your eyes
Is there a 70th Vulva?
(closes her eyes, Bongo places a necklace around Katie's neck)
Open them, look in the mirror (adjusts rearview mirror)
Bongo, is that real?
Very real, never tell me a Hoare needs another Hoare to make a Hoare's own money.
*********
(Mr Hoare snr gets home after a day at work)
Dad! dad! I beat Bongo's record! I changed the word Jaguar into Faguar seventy times in the city today!
Oh my God! Wow! That's amazing Bingo. Did you get caught by the police?
I don't think so.
Well defacing private property is a crime, either one of you could have been picked up by a security camera. I won't be paying your legal fees, I warned you about that.
Come on dad, we're not black.
Speaking of which, oh my God, I just rented out a total crack den to a wonderful family from Pittsburgh today, the place was overrun with prostitutes and drug dealers before the narc squad shut it down. Our cleaners are the best. Chalk up another victory to Hoare.
Katie: who are the lucky new tennants, Mr Hoare?
The Squat family, dad's retired marine instructor, mom's a....
Bongo: Ernest Squat, marine drill instructor?
That's him, oh my God! He's on the cover of your magazine?
Bingo: hey yeah, he's on the cover of Napoleon magazine, why is that?
Bongo: says he's the greatest drill instructor in the history of the world, he can scream louder than a baritone opera singer, whatever that is. Scientists in Japan study his lungs to see what makes them unique. President Clinton said he was scared when he invited him to the Oval Office he was going to start screaming at him coz the carpets were properly vacuumed.
Bingo: WEREN'T cleaned properly
Bongo: not according to the President
Kitty: oh my God Mr Hoare, looks like you could be in trouble here
Katie: that's right Mr Hoare, he might not appreciate you sticking his family with a former crack ho den
Mr Hoare: hot damn, Hoare charm offensive on call. How can we make him happy?
Bingo: hey look outside that looks like my lucky number 70th Faguar rolling down the street, just got done on it an hour ago
Bongo: not now Bingo, says his favorite drink is Johnny Walker and iced tea on ice, in separate glasses. His favorite food is Pentagon shaped biscuits with coco icing. He's the only person ever to serve the United States armed forces to receive the unique honor of being sent a box of them every year by the Pentagon.
Mr Hoare: sweet mother of Jesus
Bongo: he likes yo' momma jokes and screaming in people's faces and hates communists.
Bingo: hey is that him walking over here from that Jaguar?
Bongo: the 70th Faguar I lost my golf balls to you today?
Mr Hoare: Bingo fix up his ride. Girls fix him his favorite drinks. Bongo muster up some five sided cookies with coco icing asap, there's a cookie cutter in the second drawer. No-one said a Hoare isn't resourceful when it has to. Get moving!
(Pavement shot from behind Mr Squat's immaculate heels to front door of the Hoare's)
https://youtu.be/-Ns2FkZNTC0
https://youtu.be/NrI-UBIB8Jk
(As the music plays Mr Squat's disciplined marine walk begins to slowly break into a light and relaxed dance as though Mr Squat was practicing for a dance competition. The music continues as Mr Squat climbs the steps to the Hoare residence and presses the doorbell while continuing to work on his casual and light dance moves. After a moment Mr Hoare's face shows up on an oversize screen by the doorbell that had previously been colored to look like part of the wall.
Mr H: Mr Squat, welcome to my home, let me offer you a drink
(points down, a catflap opens up near Mr Squat's feet and a female nail polished hand leaves a drink on ice in an evenly round thick glass, this is followed by presumably a different female hand leaving leaving another similar looking glass beside the other as Mr H continues...)
.... Or two
(Mr Squat takes up the two glasses and sips each one in a satisfied kind of way)
To what do we owe this pleasure Mr Squat?
ES: Well, let's see, is that neat Scotch? Mm mm and that's iced tea? Yummy. My favorite drinks.
(Mr Squat is clearly happy with the hospitality shown to him. It's unclear what his intention was in going to the Hoare residence but now he continues, after draining his drinks).
Well, as you've been so hospitable to me, why don't you bring the family to our house warming party this Saturday night? It'll kick off around 7pm, we'll be watching the football there too. You know where we live.
Mr H: Well thank you Mr Squat, we'd love to come if circumstances permit, hopefully we'll see you then.
(Bongo is about to crouch down to place some butchered looking cookies through the catflap but Mr Hoare puts a hand on his wrist, makes eye contact and tries to say no without moving his head much which is still on Mr Squat's screen outside)
Have a great rest of your day.
ES: thank you Mr Hoare, God bless. Talk to you later.
************
(The following Saturday, Squat family housewarming party)
Katie: that's a nice touch Mr Hoare, I like the way you repackaged your coffee beans, you say you got them from Starbucks?
Mr Hoare: that's right Katie, I got them from Starbucks, added a handful of Columbian beans I sourced elsewhere and repackaged it all with my Hoare Reserve label.
Kitty: very classy Mr Hoare it looks real swanky
(Door opens and they are greeted by Mr Squat's son Squat junior.)
SJ: You must be the Hoare family, come on in, dad's by the tv watching the game.
Mr H: thank you Junior, these are my sons Bingo and Bongo and their friends Kitty and Katie
SJ: Well make yourselves at home, would you all like a drink?
....
Mr H: Mr Squat, lovely to see you again, how's the game going?
ES: Call me Ernest, Brock you've met my wife Wanda.... The game's not going so well, Seattle's losing and can't come back. We're gonna shut it down and switch on the dance box
Wanda starts schmoozing with Kitty and Katie and Boingo go out with Squat junior out back for drinks.
Mr H: Dance box, have I heard of that before?
ES: You wouldn't have heard of it, I work in R&D for the military and we're developing a bunch of different systems. With the military these days they want to keep some aces up their sleeves to deal with China so some technologies they won't let go mainstream as it will just get re-appropriated. We call that ASP.
Mr Squat presses some buttons on his controller and the lights dim and an innocuous looking projector above the TV near the ceiling starts projecting various coloured lights around. The TV itself shows the word ASP with a rhythmic musical fire up music crescendo that ends in basic R&B music
https://youtu.be/iBHNgV6_znU
Mr H: ASP?
ES: Ace up Sleeve Program. Okay see how I'm wrapping these sensors around my right ankle and right wrist and left knee and left elbow, you do the same. The system will get a read of your legs and arms, how they move, plus your general physique. We use this technology to train soldiers in urban combat where there are a lot of walls and buildings. But for now we just want to do some basic dance moves so follow the instructions on the screen and move towards the coloured projected lights that appear around you. It's a basic one two step with Ciara to calibrate you in.
...
Out back...
https://youtu.be/ZTyprCCyDxo
Squat junior: ok Bingo that's everything for your folks and these drinks are for the Johnsons. If you come back soon I'll show you something that will blow your mind
Bingo: it's to do with the night vision goggles Bongo's wearing isn't it? (departs room with drink tray)
Squat jnr: yes it is.
Bongo: oh now I see that rat, I see it, there's like ten of them
Squat jnr: yes they're extremely prolific around Master Fong's dumpling restaurant most notably in the evenings
Bongo: so what am I seeing here exactly?
Squat jnr: so what you're seeing is a heat reading of the rats from the actual body heat they generate. There's no light there at all so the goggles are detecting heat and they've been set to not take readings of anything smaller than a rat like a cockroach or a mouse.
Bongo: can they actually show me those critters?
Squat jnr: yes they can, but if you could see them now you'd be distracted from the rats so we turned that off. Same time if anything bigger like a dog or human comes along, you'll see that.
Bongo: ok what are the numbers on the top right?
Squat jnr: those are the depth of vision readings. It's giving you a field estimate of fifty to seventy yards no doubt, that's the distance from you to nearest and farthest rats. Next to the W is the width of field reading.
Bongo: twenty yards.
Squat jnr: ok so now we're going to paint one of those rats with an ultra sonic beam of sound, like a bat uses, this will target that rat in the system, it's precise location.
Bongo: how do I target it?
Squat jnr: try thinking about it
Bingo: okay I'm back, where's the Jim Beam? am I missing anything?
Squat jnr: bottom shelf of the fridge. There's a strap on your forehead that is set to read your brain waves regarding which rat you're targeting
Bongo: get out of town!
Bingo: I only see vodka cruisers down there Ernesto
Squat jnr: look behind them
Bingo: got it, I'll bring you guys one too
Squat jnr: has it locked on to your rat?
Bongo: yes, amazing, that's mind-blowing.
Squat jnr: well then this is going to blow your mind even more. You've picked your rat and it's being targeted at close range with ultrasonic radar, now we're going to project a microwave burst of energy that will set up a high frequency microwave burst enough to kill that rat without effecting any of the others
Bongo: get out of town!
Squat jnr: for real, Bingo give me that Jim Beam can and press the Zap button once on the controller here
Bingo: which is the Zap button?
Squat jnr: it's the one that says Zap on it
Bongo: duh! How where's the rat I was targeting?
Squat jnr: your brother zapped it, count how many are left.
Bongo: there were ten rats now there's only nine. You're pulling my leg right?
Squat jnr: this technology can kill the remaining nine rats at the press of a button. You two just kick them all in with your minds and we'll see. Bingo put these night vision goggles on, concentrate on which rats you want to kill, so all of them
Bingo: concentrate on them?
Bongo: yeah the machine reads your thoughts it's crazy
*********
University auditorium, gala event
MC: thank you Mr Mcin, Doctor now, sorry Dr McIntosh for that fascinating insight into volcanology. Next we have Ms Katie Marie, soon to be Dr Marie, presenting her PhD dissertation, or a highlight from it, rather, on Philosophy. Give her a round of applause, what's your Doctoral thesis in Philosophy about Katie?
Katie: thank you Professor Lambert, everybody, please turn your eyes to ancient Greece (lights dim and spotlight on Bongo in a toga and pullover 'bald' wig with hair around the sides, sandals and grassy hair wreath, 'what if ancient Greece's philosophers had Gangsta rap, how might the world be different today?' (applause)
Bongo (speaking stridently without singing [rapping slowly]).... Assisted by others who are spotlighted sequentially, and a beatbox
https://youtu.be/8LpYeF-swnY
The world's most dangerous group
Once again, beating on your motherfucking eardrums
It's the Athenians in black, ready to attack
See, y'all know what time it is
What motherfucking time it is!
You have witnessed, you have heard
So we're gonna take time out for a little break
Be on the look out for the new Athenian profession
Ladies and gentlemen
The name of the new profession is Athenians for life!
The name of the new profession is Athenians for life!
The name of the new profession is Athenians for life!
Yeah motherfuckers!
That's what the fuck we're talking about!
So go on out and subscribe to our professions!
Stupid motherfuckers!
Hahaha hahaha hahha
Pay to subscribe to this profession bitch!
Athenians for life!
Four bad motherfuckers
Get off the dick motherfucker
Yo, yeah, we're back in this motherfucker
Controlling the 200 B Cs
So you better step the fuck back
If you know what's good for your motherfucking ass
Yo, you know what? We outta here
*************
Gold and Turquoise limited edition DVD pack only, exclusive interview with director Martene François and Matt Damon rapping about cinema:
MF: look, uh, what iz your name? Becky? Look Becky, the next best thing that can 'appen to American cinema after throwing zee 'arvey Weinstein in zee jail is getting Martin Singer to jump out of zee airplane with zee defective parachute.
Becky: really? Not a fan?
MF: I'd like to have a big book burning like in Nuremberg, but instead of zee books about bicycles or whatever written by innocent Jewish people, we burn all the Marvel franchise DVDs and paraphernalia. And not dress like Nazis but sing the Marseilles...
Becky: maybe some cheese and wine
MD: le vin
MF: You look at those sick perverts that make zee Souh Park, always making fun of zee Matt he's so beautiful. You see them kissing each other in zee hot tub dispensing of zer 'igh eschool inhibitor? That's Martin Singer's ollywood mansion everyday but times ten million. Everywhere seventeen year old boyz screwing in zee ass. One big cum fest. Don't misunderstand me, the France, it invented l'amour. After the rest of Europe refused it under the barrel of a gun and the grand armée, zee France bring l'amour to the coast of Africa, actually Mauritius, where I'm from. Also to some small islands in zee Carribbean like Martinique. Probably if one 'undred French men wanted to 'ave zee big gay cluster gangbang like the Martin Singer mansion in 'ollywood, probably zee French would do it best.
Becky, did you notice me relieving my sexual tension in Matt's face here just now, my male appendages bing banging on 'is little chin like zee pinball when it keeps bouncing back and forward bang bang bang bang bang (makes 'and gesture).
Becky: no I never noticed that, I just noticed there's a little bottle of caramel here
MF: it's because it nev'erre 'appened Becky. I respect Matt and 'is wife, none of us are 'omophobes, I personally just don't like shit Marvel movies directed by extremament gay faggots! Do you take my point Becky?
(Cut to Becky nodding)
Becky you know my dunce musical: Demi vingt sings I 'ate about you Napoleon? it completely turned zee world upside down in Paris and elsewhere, global markets were dislodged
(Cut to Becky sniffing caramel bottle curiously)
MD: man French people have a crazy way of counting: they can't just say ninety six it's like four twenties sixteen. Ten isn't good enough it's half twenty and instead of huit it's 'ate like I 'ate zee burgers they are 'orribble. That's crazy.
******""""
Act 4.something
https://youtu.be/KdOjVsfuKPs
A bathroom, Bingo and Bongo are staring at a large vanity mirror, views from behind mirror or else behind shoulders, they're dying their hair black
Bingo: let me get this straight. Dad said the cops want to talk to us about something, very possibly defacing Volvo and Jaguar signs, but we're not surd [sic]. And you want us to dye our hair black and wear dark contact lenses and present ourselves as Ramón and Victor Hierro?
Bongo: you can be Victor, that's Spanish for winner.
Bingo: I know what Victor means, it's the same word in English. Is it legal, is what I'm asking?
Bongo: well I'm taking law and sociology classes all this year and this is a perfect opportunity to have something interesting to write about. This will basically take care of my entire year's need for intellectual input for school.
Bingo: ok, do we need to show ID?
Bongo: we have our Mexican cum American drivers' licenses. We're not going to be doing anything different to an illegal alien from South of the border. Have you ever heard of a Mexican going to jail for petty vandalism offenses?
Bingo: ok fine. You do the talking, I can't even speak Spanish let alone talk in a Mexican accent.
Bongo: now don't get the dye wet, it's only good for a day
Cut to walking in to police station from outside, it's a very small station:
Bongo: ok I'll do the talking, just keep your answers short and act normal
Goes through the door, a quaint bell rings above door
Wilma: well hello there, I'm Sargent Wilma, what brings you boys in today?
Bongo: we work for Mr Hoare the real estate proprietor, over on Fairview
Wilma: ok
Bongo: he told us we should go in to the police station and talk to you about something
Wilma: is that right? What do you do for Mr Hoare?
Bongo: we mow lawns for him and do some odd maintenance jobs
Wilma: ok. Well look, basically we've been having some vandalism issues in town and we're just putting our feelers out to see if anyone knows anything about it.
Bongo: is this going to be an immigration issue? Like do we have to prove we have legal residency or something like that?
Wilma: no not at all! We're not looking to report anyone to Immigration and Customs Enforcement.
Bongo: and if we know something, can we tell it in confidence?
Wilma: absolutely, sure you can.
Bongo: well my brother and I have heard rumours but we can't say anything for sure.
Wilma: what rumours have you heard?
Bongo: as they may not be true, we're not saying anything for now.
Wilma: ok, I see. Say what are your names?
Bongo: I go by Ramón and he, Victor
Wilma: ok Ramón and Victor, and is there a last name?
Bongo: Hierro.
Wilma: Hierro, that's Spanish for iron isn't it?
Bongo: yes ma'am, most Spanish names don't mean anything, but the name we go by does.
Wilma: you go by?
Bongo: well in Spanish we don't say we have this name or that name, we say we call ourselves. It's what we call ourselves that's really our name.
Wilma: my commanding officer when I was going through college in the air force was surnamed Hierro, that's the only reason I know it means iron. Say do you boys like going to the movies?
Bingo: I do ma'am.
Wilma: well look, my cousin works in marketing and research for Sony pictures, he organises focus groups.
Bingo: what's a focus group?
Wilma: it's when they want to meticulously study audience reaction to various parts of movies, to decide what's hot and what's a flop. (Pause). The thing is he's running a group this weekend and needs some Hispanic folks, do you have girlfriends? I bet you do, bring a date. Here take these tickets and turn up around 730pm this Saturday, all the information is on the ticket. And if you learn anything concrete about the vandalism case, give me a call, I got to take this call, excuse me. Edwards police department, Wilma speaking?
Outside police station, Boingo walk out
Bingo: bro that can't be legal can it?
Bongo: well it got us free movie tickets didn't it? Isn't everyday a Hoare gets four free movie tickets.
Bingo: that's true. (Pause). Bongo? Where does the water go from the holes in golf when it rains?
Bongo: beats me, that's a good question, we'll have to ask.... Say let's go by the 16th hole and have a swim at the pond, we'll wash the dye out of our hair and get some balls.
...........
The following Saturday evening, exterior shot Waffle House cut to exterior shot MCU doorway aerial view, Boingo Kitty and Katie walk in cut to greeting hostess at door. She's Korean American looking.
Hostess: welcome to Waffle House, are you all with the Shakespeare Society?
Kitty: no we're with the Sony pictures focus group, Miss Iris told us to give you this.
Music plays inside...
https://youtu.be/QjUk3Bp16zs
Hostess: ok great, step this way with me. This is the jukebox you can play what you want on that. The restrooms are at the end of the corridor by the kitchen. We have these two booths available til eleven. That's a top up buffet there you can use and your voucher is good for all you can eat and drink for all menu items but alcoholic beverages are extra. The drink prices are as listed on your menus here and we must insist on seeing a valid photo ID if you're going to be purchasing alcoholic beverages. Everything on the menu is available except the Cobain Waffles and Cherry Cake dessert, there's a glut of cherries. I can bring you guys some drinks while you decide what you want to eat if you like.... diet Coke, ok, Coke Zero, the Ridiculously Large Iced Coffee with Insane Amounts of Whipped Cream, two of those, ok great, won't be a moment. Someone will take your order soon.
Katie: they've got a Hansel and Gretel marshmallow and gummy bear house.
Bingo: Flapjack Heaven.
Bongo: Mile High Canadian Pancakes.
Kitty: Black Forest Cake.
Cut to waitress stepping over with drinks. Cut to placing drinks down, cut to scribbling orders, cut to waitress walking off with orders and empty drink tray.
Katie: what did you guys think of the movie? The chief garbage collector guy looked like Bongo didn't he? All up on his big pile of trash pouring his little heart out! Ha ha
Bingo and Kitty: yeah he did!
Kitty: have you been working on the sly for extra money Bongo, typical Hoare!
Bongo: he was a man that knew what he wanted to do with his junk, Pepe Gonzalez, ha ha.
Kitty: so funny (everyone laughs)
Cut eating food, cut eating more food, cut ordering more
Katie: okay Bongo, it's almost eleven, we're all full, you said you had a surprise.
Bongo: (pulls tickets out of his pocket) VIP sports bar seats for the Sanchez Minova boxing match.
Katie: ohhhh! Boxing?!
Kitty: at eleven pm?
Bingo: they're fighting in the Phillipines, this is going to be huge. Man I'm so glad, where did you get them from?
Bongo: airforce guy in town wouldn't believe I'm a Hoare!
Bingo: oh for real! That takes the cake! Excellent!
Katie: boxing is not my favourite!
***********
Exterior shot, aerial. Edwards Army base. Bongo drives his Jeep looking open top small 4wd into the base, Bingo is beside him. There's noone else with them, neither pets. It's a small base, they park outside the Education Building, there are only a sparse amount of cars parked there.
Interior, short balding middle aged man, a badge wearing vietnam vet who teaches math wearing a flannel shirt and suspenders and trousers licks his finger and rifles through some papers in his hand
Math teacher: so you're the Hoare brothers?
Bongo: yes sir, there's my name Bongo, and that's my brother Bingo
Math teacher: and you say you're not enlisted?
Bongo: that's right sir, neither of us are enlisted. Our community college is in a different State, and we take most of our classes this year online, but we were told we'd be attending trigonometry on the base here.
Math teacher: well if you're not enlisted you will still have to do your safety and protocol induction at the main office
Bingo: I've done mine already sir, they're going to notify you about it today
Math teacher: what about you Bongo?
Bongo: I'll do mine by Sunday latest for sure
Math teacher: ok well make sure if someone salutes you salute back and don't get caught walking around anywhere that's not this building or heading straight in or out ok, we don't want to get in any trouble. Ok Staff Sargent Torres, take your seat, your pop quiz is on the table, you have til eleven to finish it.
Torres: is this going to count to my final grade?
Math teacher: yes it is. So do you boys have your GEDs?
Boingo: we studied an International Baccalaureate with an international school then subsequently had it recognized for a GED so yes.
Math teacher: and how many classes are you taking on base this semester?
Boingo: Trigonometry, surds, parabolas
Math teacher: okay so that's two units this semester with us and basically five hours a week with me
Boingo: that's correct sir. Sir we'd like to do all our weekly classes with you in one day if possible, all at once
Math teacher: I'm going to have to talk to my commanding officer about that. Take a seat, take out whatever books or pencils, whatever you have, let me see what I'm working with here. Do you remember sine and cosine, tangents?
Boingo: sir we have our materials we need and we're knowledgeable on those topics but pretty rusty, we're going to need refreshing
Math teacher: ok, good to see you're well equipped. You won't be able to use those calculators' trigonometry functions, we need to see all your proofs step by step, they're too sophisticated. Try these sample questions while I get my dvd set up. Shouldn't take you more than five minutes.
(Moments later)
Math teacher: ok, just to lighten things up a little, we'll watch this funny movie scene about trigonometry, I'll check your work meantime
Bongo: oh yeah I've seen this, it's so funny
https://youtu.be/4c_4MGTCgHY
Math teacher: (laughs) this is hilarious, I can't believe how funny that is (checks Boingo's quiz work, scene ends). Isn't that hilarious? Man that's funny. Ok look it seems like you remember SOH CAH TOA, and you understand the inverses of the tangents, sines and cosines. Ok let me try explaining like this, whose your favorite quarterback?
Bongo: Lance Broadmeadow
Math teacher: ok great choice. Now imagine a basically unheard of play, where Lance, x, throws to the wide receiver
Bongo: Kopax
Math teacher: ok Kopax is y. And then Kopax catches the ball but instead of just sitting pat with that he decides to throw the ball to the guy mysteriously unchecked in the end zone, really like a beach volleyball move, calling that guy z on the board here, you following Bingo?
Bingo: Lance Broadmeadow got a sex change after she retired so now it's Ms Broadmeadow
Math teacher: doesn't matter, that's the beauty of mathematics, it's all x here, look on the board, is this a right angled triangle as described by the perimeter formed by x, y, z? (beat) Torres?
SS Torres: yep, question thirteen: Carlos Hathcock vietnam sniper shoots half a mile into a north northeaster blowing at ten miles an hour. I haven't actually trained to snipe, how do I do this question?
Math teacher: just calculate the wind's effect on the shot to the best of your ability, show your working in clear steps and you'll get graded accordingly, even if the answer's not right.
SS Torres: ok so let G = gravity, D = drag and W = wind. Any values and proofs I assign you might up my score. As I cannot differentiate upwind from general wind as topography is not clearly defined I'll assign the values W1 = northerly 10mph, W2 = northeaster 10mph and W3 = unknown upwind estimated at 1-3mph
Math teacher: yes. The most important thing is that you're fluent in the terms & definitions and display all proofs and it all adds up correctly according to your hypothesis. Make sure you assign a value to the bullet mass.
************
Bank robbery scene...
German Bank robber guy Gustav: (calls Brock Hoare as the latter is cruising in his ride after a dance class with Cynthia) Mr Hoare, hi it's Gustav, just checking you left the keys in the letterbox
Mr Hoare: oh I forgot to do that Gustav, something came up. How about I drop them there right now?
German Bank robber guy Gustav: that'd be wonderful Mr Hoare, please do. (Beat). Baby we will run through the game plan one last time. We hit the bank through the ceiling, clean out the strong boxes for diamonds and gold, into our bags. We have our ninja suits on and what's visible of our faces painted black with fake looking African noses under our ninja masks. The only hair on our faces has been sourced from an African American barber shop floor in Chicago, that's the only DNA we'll be shedding as we have everything covered. The cameras will show us different heights than our real heights thanks to our special shoes, we'll be taken for African Americans. The alarm will trigger a heavy police response within ten minutes of breach. We have eight minutes to clean up the strong boxes, then we shimmy through the ducted air conditioning and on to the secret passage that will take us to the sewers. By the time the cops waylay the bank we'll almost be in the sewers. We remove and burn our robber outfits in the sewer then proceed four miles underground to Edwards. We come out of the sewers here: white, inches shorter, having turned our bags inside out and with our underneath clothes. We take out our lightweight collapsible electric scooters and happily ride to our honeymoon summertime rental in Edwards where we'll spend the summer watching updates on CNN on the deck sunbathing.
(brief montage shows scenario Gustav outlines)
Bank robber two, an attractive white french lady with a french accent: (kisses Gustav) ever since I first met you in Deutschland Gustav, I knew you were efficient and organized, you leave no stone unturned, I'm sure you've thought everything through and it will all be a bed of roses, lead me to our destiny!
Wilma's police station in Edwards, Wilma is working at night alone when the police radio pipes up:
Police radio: all units in the tri-county area, we have an 11-22 at the Wells Fargo in Henderson, all units approach asap. Two African American suspects considered armed and dangerous are in the bank. Calling all units to the Wells Fargo in Henderson on Main Street, 11-22 in progress. Two African American suspects are in the bank now and considered armed and dangerous. Calling the Swat Unit for Henderson County, get me the Swat Unit ASAP.
The Hoare mobile:
Cynthia: who was that Brock?
Mr Hoare: one of my customers, I forgot to leave his keys in the letterbox, it's just down the road here, I'll just stop a moment, won't take a minute.
***********
https://youtu.be/Rbm6GXllBiw
Funeral scene....
Mr Hoare: Boingo, you guys there?
Bongo: it's me dad, what's up?
Mr Hoare: surprise announcement, old man Frogmorton the town funeral director just passed away last weekend and his lawyer's throwing a wake party for the college kids and young folk: free beer, cash giveaways. I'd hate to see you get too drunk, same time you'd kill me if you found out I never told you about it.
Bongo: free beer and cash giveaways, what's the catch?
Mr Hoare: free bbq too. You just have to watch his goodbye video lecturing on life and the universe but I heard it's going to be a blast. It's on now at the civic centre on Elm, everyone at the office is taking the day off to party.
Bongo: ok count us in, we'll be there.
(Moments later, civic centre on Elm, Bongo and his buddies arrive and make eye contact with Mr Hoare and the rental team. Everyone is shmoozing and having a bbq and drink).
Frogmorton's lawyer: (at podium on stage, has microphone, taps it). Ladies and gentlemen, if I can have your attention. I'm the late Mr Frogmorton's lawyer. I'd tell you my name but I'm not sure I'd want your business. (laughter). While you may laugh, that's not actually a joke, but the truth. Anyway, without further ado. My client, the esteemed Mr Frogmorton, late of Edwards, was for a number of decades, this town's leading mortician. As part of his Will he has arranged this free bbq with free beer and cash giveaways for the folks of Edwards of legal drinking age. Here he is, while deceased last Saturday night, talking to us from beyond the grave as we enjoy his generosity.
Frogmorton: are the Frogmorton ten in place? (Ten guys with no shirts on and an abundance of beer and paraphernalia like drums and plastic trumpets get on stage. Each has a letter painted on to their chest to spell the name Frogmorton correctly. One blows a trumpet while others whistle and drink and play their drum, the atmosphere is jovial like a football game). I believe the Frogmorton ten must now be in place, according to my Will, or my lawyer really was screwing my wife. (More laughter).
Ladies and gentlemen, if you hear me say a naughty word I want you to guzzle your beer down and say chug! Chug! Chug! As if you were back in college or still there now. Even if I just use the 'b' word to describe women or people in general. Ladies and gentlemen, burying dead people for decades has taught me a lot about the human soul. It's ability for grief, bitterness, greed, anger, contempt, isolation, sadness, hostility. Compassion. Life's a bitch sometimes.
Random person in crowd: he said bitch bitches, chug! Chug! Chug! (The Frogmorton ten ringlead in chugging).
Frogmorton: I have learnt the importance of compartmentalizing and planning. In my business, that means having a Will. If you don't have a Will, get one as soon as possible. Or your wife will get all your money and leave your parents and family high and dry. Or numerous relatives of yours will battle it out in Court and it's all going to be about the money and not how gooey you made everyone feel like in the movies. Damn it. You can chug on that if you want.
(More chugging).
Frogmorton: still I did not want to discolor your happy day and the happy lives of our fellow Edwardians and others attending. Please, get a bite to eat and see the posters around about how to qualify for a cash giveaway. And don't worry about my close family and acquaintances and fr, fr, fr, you know what I mean, those people that use you and discard you. They've all been provided for.
Joker in crowd: he meant to say friends bitches! That's what they're good for!
Frogmorton: believe me when I tell you, my lawyer will be claiming this event as a tax deduction, so do not believe that my love for you may even exist. But it's the least I could do for the people of this town, considering the tax deduction involved. Will the Frogmorton ten please lead the people in a brief drinking song before I proceed?
(More partying ensues)
Frogmorton: truth be told, if a rolling sixties crip never walked into my office one day and dropped a tool box full of cash on my table and asked me for help with his Will, y'all bitches wouldn't be here right now
Random party guy: he said bitches! Chug!
Mr Hoare catches up with Bongo at Frogmorton's bbq, he's laughing and jovial with his rental team...
Mr Hoare: isn't this hysterical Bongo? I always knew old man Frogmorton the sexton was a crazy bastard, but this really is something else, this is the greatest funeral I've been to! Where the hell's Bingo? Don't tell me you forgot to invite him.
Bongo: Bingo wanted to get back to nature. He's going to sleep under the stars for a few nights.
___________
https://youtu.be/emGri7i8Y2Y
Bingo under military arrest plotline...
Bongo rolls in his Jeep, car phone sounds on sound system.
Bongo: Bongo speaking
Bingo: bro we have a problem.
Bongo: where are you calling from? your number is showing as 999 on my car stereo, how is that even possible?
Bingo: bro I was taking my math class today at the army base and some military police came in and arrested me
(Flashback shows scene of Bingo's arrest as he describes it)
Bongo: (silence)
Bingo: something about damaging someone's Volvo who happens to be a Major at the base and the chief commanding officer, can you believe that?
Bongo: major debacle
Bingo: I can't even believe they can do this to me. I'm not even in the army or anything. Dad's going to kill me if he finds out about this. They're saying because I was on the base at the time of arrest and had my induction plus they have evidence against me they can court marshall me. How can that even be real?
Bongo: so you're locked up now? Can't you just leave?
Bingo: bro I'm locked up, they let me make one phone call.
Bongo: alright I'll try to keep it on the downlow from dad... everyone! I'm going to talk to Squat junior for advice, he's the only person I can think of. If anyone asks for you I'll say you wanted to get back to nature and wanted to sleep under the stars, that's the truth.
Bingo: bro you better get some advice, if they can arrest me just for being on a military base with permission, what can they do to you? try not stepping onto the base. Call the math teacher
(Call cuts out)
(Brig scene Bingo sits alone in his cell, some military guy comes in)
Military guy: so you're Bingo Hoare?
Bingo: (nervous) yes, I'm Bingo Hoare
Military guy: ok according to our checks, you're not an American citizen or even a permanent resident. We don't have a record of who you are. The normal thing we can do in this situation is hand you over to ICE, immigration and customs enforcement. What can you say to that?
Bingo: that's ridiculous I was born in New York
Military guy: well that's not saying much. Maybe your mom flew there from China to give birth to you and she forgot to apply for a birth certificate
Bingo: (sighs) that's ridiculous, my mom worked for the State Department in Washington DC and overseas. Her great great great grandparents came out on the Mayflower. Other family members were in Virginia before there was even a barnacle on the Mayflower. Before there was even a termite on the wood that would become the hull of the Mayflower. Your information is incorrect sir, with all due respect.
Military guy: bro, I don't care if your great great great grandparents spawned Muhammad Ali and the slave trade from Portugal, I take my orders and carry them out! This is the United States military! How do you think we operate? Does it look like a hippy convention to you? Maybe you'd like to smoke some marijuana maybe write a poem or something? Should I bring out some paints and an apron for you to fingerpaint with?
(Knock on the door)
Military guy: hold on a second! Son the uniform military code section 259 states that anyone on base with permission, even if they're not enlisted or an officer, even if they're a contractor, are liable to military justice for a month from apprehension without any recourse to civilian law.
Bingo Hoare: it's hard for me to believe. Same time you let me make a phone call.
Military guy: well yeah, that's coz if you're diabetic or something we're gonna find out about it on that call
(Door opens, Bongo comes in with his dyed hair and dark eyes)
Bongo: sir, hello, I'm Ramón Hierro, I've been informed my client is under arrest and needs relief. (Gives Bingo a Subway sandwich and a bottle of water. The cell is empty apart from a lidless toilet and steel benches bolted down, there is no toilet paper. Bingo takes Subway napkins from Bongo's pocket).
Military guy: that's all jolly well Mr Hierro, sir. I imagine you signed in at reception?
Bongo: that I did sir. Sir my client is a student with the University of Wisconsin. He's taking his course by correspondence and was told he'd have to take his math component at the education department here on base.
Military guy: (pulls out close up photo of the Major's Volvo which says 'Vollva' ) what can you tell me about that?
Bongo: it appears someone was trying to spell vulva and they misspelt it v-o-double l-v-a
Military guy: normally that wouldn't be a major problem because we're not given to severe discipline in the United States military based on poor spelling and penmanship. A little bit of yelling and remedial classes would sort that out. (Holds close up picture of an angry looking woman) Ok now just so we know we're on the same page, would you say that lady looks upset?
Bongo: (has a good look at the photo) I can't say for sure
Military guy: that's the Major's wife and she uses his Volvo a lot. She's upset because she went to her women's club meeting to talk about women's stuff and was subsequently embarrassed in front of all her women's club friends, other women, not transgender women but real women with real vaginas that actually make real babies, just to be sure: embarrassed by Vullva (accentuates the extra l while framing the picture without holding it with his two hands parallel and flat, just to drive the point home)
Bongo: that's extremely unfortunate.... (Doesn't know how to address military guy).
Military guy: it's Sargent Major Payne.
Bongo: it makes perfect sense, it's a major pain, perfect sense. How can we resolve the issue? What evidence do you have saying my client is responsible?
Military guy: (holds up photo of Bongo tampering with the Volvo in question) doesn't he have an uncanny resemblance to Mr Hoare here?
Bongo: (squints at photo, acts dismissive blowing air out of his mouth). Phssst they both have blonde hair and a similar physique. This photo is very grainy. I'd say you have nothing on him. I understand your upset, your boss is severely pissed and he's coming down hard on you, but this is outrageous. Real evidence you don't have even. My client has maths classes to complete on base here every week and a life off base he has to attend to, I must insist you release him immediately.
Military guy: (Picks up something small from his table, he's annoyed). Bingo's brother Bongo left this in the Education room last week, his name's on it, please return it to him.
Bongo: (takes a mouth guard in a small box from Sargent Major Payne looks at it, averts his eyes from Sargent Major Payne).
Military guy: I'll let you see your client again tonight around twenty one hundred hours.
Bingo: you better read up on section 259 of the United States military code of conduct B (is about to say Bongo then catches himself and starts coughing to pretend he can't talk). Mr Hierro, please bring me some clean underwear and my toiletries bag, my phone
Military guy: no phones!
Bingo: the current book I'm reading, my brother Bongo can show you what to bring
Military guy: alright enough already, hit the road Hierro.
Bongo: Sargent (frustrated/pensive/taking new tack). Do you ever buy coffee at a 711 or Starbucks or somewhere like that?
Military guy: sure but I can't take a coffee from you, that'd be unethical, if that's what you're thinking.
Bongo: I'm not offering you coffee. But say my client Bingo here owned a coffeeshop. And you went in everyday to get your coffee. Now do you take your coffee with any sweetener?
Military guy: are you trying to bribe me?
Bongo: no, not at all. I'm alluding to a famous case, a precedent. I'm changing the names around but it's the same story. Say you go into Bingo's coffeeshop everyday, off base, whatever, in Hawaii or Vegas or something. You're there everyday and like your coffee with two or three artificial sweeteners, you don't want to put weight on with sugar so you go for the NutraSweet packets. But what happens one day? They're all gone. You go up to Bingo, a hard working guy just trying to make a living for his family with his coffeeshop: 'sir! do you have anymore sweetener for the coffee?' The Bingo looks at you and says: 'sure I do, goddam kids
(Montage scene shows Bongo's scenario playing out)
keep stealing all my sweetener.'
Military guy: can't you stop them?
Bingo: there's no law against taking ten packets of sweetener for one coffee is there?
Military guy: not that I know of.
Bingo: and that's the darn thing, they just keep doing it over and over, sometimes even fifteen packs for a coffee and there's nothing I can do to stop them. They're cleaning me out of sweetener and it's all legal. It's like a plague of mice, bad for business.
Military guy: man, that's..... So you don't have any sweetener?
(Cut to Boingo walking off the base with Sargent Major Payne)
Bongo: so glad we got that cleared up, we'll be back on Monday for our maths class, I mean Bingo will be back Monday. We're sorry for what happened to the Major and we appreciate your help, no hard feelings. (Salutes Sargent Major Payne, walks off to nearby carpark with Bingo).
Bingo: bro thanks for bringing me the veggie delight sub
Bongo: de nada muchacho
Bingo: you know I like honey oat bread right? I mean I always get that and garlic sauce
Bongo: (internalizes annoyance) you up for a surf? (they reach car there are two Malibu longboard surfboards in the back of Bongo's Jeep)
Bingo: so glad now that you're done vandalizing peoples' Volvos we don't have to work on your new rap single
(Bingo drives off with Bongo, Frankie Valli plays, Bingo begins singing in falsetto. On the drive out of the army base soldiers practice marching in cadence)
https://youtu.be/aaKpo2lFzH8
Katie: (video call from Katie comes on car sound system. Headline above Katie says 'Katie vision' and Katie's face not visible as covered in facial cream and two cucumber slices over her eyes) Bongo honey, I can't get out today, would you mind bringing me some tampons from the Rite Aid?
(Bingo finds more subway food, cookies, and tries to grab them, this upsets Bongo).
Bongo: yes, Kate, I will get you some tampons and bring them over around five
(Bingo puts his thumb on Bongo's head and takes his cookies away, further upsetting Bongo while he drives).
Katie: and Bongo honey, you'll see at Rite Aid they're selling a pair of green high heels in the front window for twenty five dollars. You have to pick them up for me, no maybes.
Bongo: yes Kate, will do. I'll talk to you later, Bingo and I are going for a surf. Ciao.
Bingo: (high falsetto voice) yes dear tampons and high heels (normal voice) man you sound like a little bitch. She's not going to respect you if you let her run you around like a little puppy dog all day. Man up! (Sings more falsetto to the music). Alright so what did I miss in math class while I was locked up in the brig?
Bongo: the math teacher got 86'ed. There's a new guy called Horatio. Corporal Horatio. He's teaching parabolas and the question is tricky.
Bingo: well what is it?
Bongo: I'll tell you in a moment. Have a look in my folder there I need to revise my Spanish vocabulary I've got a test tomorrow.
Bingo: (stops falsetto singing to read vocabulary from passenger seat)
Scene cuts to surfing in the water scene. Bongo is paddling to a large wave he spots and a target appears on the wave as he sees it
Bingo: (voiceover) blanco
Bongo: (voiceover) ok blanco can mean target but also means white
Bingo: (voiceover) ¿cómo andas?
(Bingo walks on his Malibu longboard as he rides the wave)
Bongo: (voiceover) it means how are you doing, literally how do you walk
Bingo: (voiceover) muy bien. Hola with an 'h'
Bongo: (voiceover) hello
Bingo: (voiceover) ola without an 'h'
Bongo: (voiceover) it means wave, like in the ocean
Bingo: (voiceover) perfecto
(Cut to Boingo sitting astride their respective longboards bobbing up and down waiting for a wave)
Bingo: so what's the math assignment?
Bongo: ok Corporal Horatio has plotted a parabola. It's the theoretical trajectory of a spaceship capable of traveling faster than light. It's spotted slightly before the start of the parabolic turn as prior to that it's invisible due to travelling faster than the speed of light. It's visible for two seconds in total, he calls it the two secs formula
Bingo: two secs? (Incredulous)
Bongo: yeah like two seconds. He plots where it's visible and where it goes invisible and it remains visible for two secs. He shows the speed where it reaches ten thousand knots
Bingo: ten thousand knots?
Bongo: per hour
Bingo: wait isn't that like eleven and a half thousand miles per hour?
Bongo: I can't show you here bro, I need to plot it two dimensionally for it to make sense. Let's catch this wave!
(They both catch the wave which turns into an exageratedly long CGI pipeline wave. At the top of the screen it says 'psychoactive waves' and at the bottom it says 'tunnel vision'. The wave looks so long it's like something out of a Bosch painting. After a moment Bingo passed Bongo to his right)
Bingo: hot on your stern, coming by your starboard
(Cut to Jeep ride home from the beach, Boingo regale the surf)
Bongo: bro how gnarly were the waves?
Bingo: cowabunga bro cowa....
(Bingo is interrupted by loud phone calling sound from car stereo, on Bongo's stereo screen it says 'Dad')
Bongo: Brock
Mr Hoare: what you're calling me by my first name now? Did you get Bingo from the lake?
Bongo: he's with me now, what's up?
Mr Hoare: ask him about the dance school he was talking about? I'm trying to find it, I'm at the strip mall over by Bank of America Everglade.
Bingo: just go up the stairs dad, you'll see it says 'Penelope's Latina's' up on the first tier.
Mr Hoare: ok there's pot roast in the fridge, bottom shelf, help yourselves. (Disconnects, camera follows Brock Hoare walk upstairs at strip mall, long trailing shot. Sees a sign by a door with 'TT' a double 'T' motif on it. The door is open and he can't see any signs indicating the dance school neither open doors so he gingerly goes through the door, there's no buzzer either. Brock Hoare walks down a dimly lit vestibule opening onto a medium sized hall with about twenty collapsible chairs wherein are seated a corresponding amount of folks listening to a man before them standing at a podium. Most of the lighting is coming from this area, perhaps they're trying to save money on electricity. Brock quietly approaches the group until he is noticed. Folks crane their necks over to see him and the man at the podium addresses him).
TT Podium man: can I help you sir.
Brock Hoare: maybe, though this doesn't look like a dance school
(Nobody laughs but neither are they morose)
TT Podium man: no sir, this is the Two Truths Society, we are not really a dancing school.
Brock Hoare: what are your two truths.
TT Podium man: well sir, one thing we all believe to be true is that the United States is a mighty, mighty nation.
(Brock looks over to see an American flag hanging very non-descriptly in an elegant but barely noticeable way, it seemed as if the hall they were using was just rented out and the flag didn't belong to the TT society).
Brock Hoare: does that flag belong to your society?
TT Podium man: no sir, we rent this hall, the flag stays here like that always. Sorry, we haven't really introduced ourselves, my name's Stefan, would you like to come up here and say hello to everyone?
(Stefan steps aside a little from the podium despite Brock not having moved closer since their conversation began and Brock Hoare being a number of yards from his dais. There's a moment of hesitation and then Brock steps forward to mount a few steps up to the podium. He stands at the podium and addresses everyone without them needing to stretch their necks.)
Brock Hoare: hi everyone, I'm Brock Hoare, I'm a real estate agent over at Edwards. I'm a proud American patriot. I might not like everything uncle Sam does but I sure as hell agree with one of your truths. (Beat). So, uh, what's your other truth?
Stefan: well I wasn't going to invite our guest speaker up just yet, but Lindy... (Indicates hitherto unscene guest speaker sitting on one of two chairs back of the podium. Addresses Brock Hoare:)
Lindy's not part of our society but has been kind enough to accept our invitation to speak here, she's actually a professor of Paleontology at Oklahoma State. Actually she's a PhD but she said to just call her Lindy.
(Polite applause as Lindy approaches podium).
Spiel on paleontology here
Penelope interrupts the space and draws eye contact from Stefan, Lindy and Brock at stage.
Penelope: hi I'm Penelope, I've got the hall hired out for the next hour, I only just remembered it's daylight savings so actually I think it's actually 730pm right now and I won't have it til 830pm.
Brock: that's right Penelope, our class starts in an hour, I'm your student
(Penelope nods and finishes her hand gesticulating and walks out)
Class with Penelope
https://youtu.be/hU0-fb6OgyA
***********
Hormones biology presentation in Spanish class scene....
(Exterior shot, Bongo walks into such and such community college.... Walks into Spanish language area of faculty near a stairwell.... Interior classroom... Bongo sits at his table while student at front of class wraps up her presentation on mobile phone technology.... Class applauds and she seats herself)
Profesora: muy bien Beatriz. Bien hecho! Ok so now we're going to listen to Bongo Hoare (giggles amongst kids in classroom at his name) give his presentation on biology. Bongo is neither flustered nor nervous, he proceeds to write 'las hormonas' on the whiteboard in big letters then proceeds to deliver his talk in Spanish:
Bongo: Hoy nos interesa el tema de las hormonas. (Subtitles in English translate Bongo's speech... Moments later cut to end of Bongo's speech)
Profesora: muy Bien señor Hoare (she pronounces this with three syllables in the Spanish way, aspirating the h like a Spanish j, Jo-ar-e). Next we have Guillermo. ¿Guillermo, ibas a traducir una canción rap del L L Cool J al español?
(Guillermo is fresh off the bus from Tabasco or Jalisco or somewhere, via the Rio Grande and the Biden busway system. He speaks very little English and only from rap songs.)
Guillermo: yes professor. I try to translate the LL COOL J, but I cannot understand chunks? Pinnacle? Reign? What is this?
LL cool J bro:
https://youtu.be/Cj1kngbDPRk
(Moments later)
Guillermo: Profesora, I am shocked, LL Cool J seems to be a victim of black privilege, how dare he use the word 'wop' so brazenly? He is not referring to a 'swap' is he? (holds fingers up like quotation marks, the rest of the class begins to pay attention to the lyrics on the screen).
Profesora: I'm sorry Guillermo, that's not the word 'swap' (holding fingers up like quotation marks), he's using the 'w' word, (waxes theatrical before delivering poignant speech, makes eye contact with Bongo), actually, it's not the first time Mexican Americans have been treated in a racist way. Here Guillermo, class, I want you to take a look at this stereotypical attack on Mexican Americans on a popular American TV show: (plays popular cartoon featuring Consuela for class)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mAU1PI4yuMM
