before returning to the topic of crapping on chests, we'll quickly review this Seth McFairlane movie:
Ted is a toy bear and Mark is a real chicken, both of them are busy working at a Chinese factory in communist china testing the drinking water for battery acid for the i-pod phone makers..... Ted insists this is dangerous and only a matter of time before he and Mark die from tainted water, therefore they should immediately pretend they are born again Christians so that they arouse government suspicion and are relieved from their duties which will involve certain death, Mark agrees, they run a search on Google about Christianity and spend a few days studying some basic things then go to work and start handing out flyers and telling the foreign guests to the factory from America that Jesus will save them
the Chinese bosses are infuriated and bring Mark and Teddy to the big boss..... the big boss smokes cigars and tells Mark and Teddy that Christianity is banned in China but that he likes their spirit and will give them some options: a) go to Melbourne, Australia and wash the boss' son's Nissan Z while he takes care of the new University the big boss bought for him; b) go to Washington DC with his other son and work pimping out prostitutes for government lobbyists, the big boss says he's sympathetic to democracy; c) prepare to be surrendered up to the authorities in Beijing where death by torture is likely.........Mark and Teddy ask for some time to think and the big boss says sure just as his steaming tray of clams arrive.... Teddy sees a mini-train track for laundry and a sign above it says: Laundry tunnel to North Korea, which Teddy thinks says: 'Free beer', so he pushes Mark into the last mini-train-carriage full of dirty towels just before it disappears into a tunnel
Mark and Teddy wake up some time later in North Korea, some of the workers there think they look delicious and it appears the two will be eaten but then an authority person tells the hungry looking underlings that Mark and Teddy aren't dried grass and cockroaches but foreign spies so not to eat them..... Mark and Teddy are taken to the President for questioning and he is suspicious but would like to use both of them for his plan to destabilize Western democracy which he feels is very threatening by going to France and abolishing the French language and substituting it for free cheese shaped like little French hexagons marketed as 'Hexagons'...... their plan works and the Nation of France is under their control a year later and nobody in France is allowed to teach children French anymore and instead the French are encouraged to speak English or German or some other language or just grunt instead.... the President of North Korea feels like this can start a domino effect, toppling western democracy once and for all..... Mark and Teddy are offered to be raped by an old, drunken French man however Mark does not feel it would be rape and is happy to acquiesce without the drunken old French man thinking it would be rape, after this Mark the chicken disappears and a man presents himself to Teddy and says he is Mark but has been transformed from a chicken to a man by a magic ray........ Teddy is skeptical but Mark's personality hasn't changed and anyway Ted is too busy keeping cheese production levels high and distribution on time, so he tells Mark to try and destabilize the German economy as this will help him with his cheese plan,
Ted receives a call from the big boss from the i-pod/i-phone factory in China, he has heard Teddy is a big success and would like to know if he can supply him with battery acid for his baby powder for export to America as calcium is expensive, Ted looks out the window and sees a newspaper headline saying: New EU Initiative: Free battery acid, 1000 tons to first fifty callers, Ted cannot give the big boss a definitive answer as he must be one of the first fifty callers so he uses a chinese expression (they are speaking chinese) to intimate an ambiguous answer, i can ride a bi-cycle, so can you, the jade destiny is written in the stars, chocolate mint is delicious, everyone knows it...... the big boss responds: ok, no problem...... Ted calls back five minutes later and says: I have 1000 tons of battery acid, when would you like it delivered?
Mark walks in and tells Ted that Michael Jackson has just arrived to coach the French Eurovision entrance, Michael says once he learnt children were involved he had to help foster the talent, the French team win Eurovision by grunting, after that they are taken to be geniuses, they publish many books and go around the world grunting on tv and everyone thinks they are really deep and clever, they sell many albums..... tourism in France also rises dramatically after the French people resort to grunting after refusing to learn English or German and not being able to resist the Hexagon cheese snackies, some of which come with a free drinky, everyone thinks the French have become friendlier and smarter after they take up grunting as a form of communication, occasionally an airplane falls out of the sky but apart from that their Nation does great
Ted's office door is burst open by a group of irate French thespians who complain that titans of French literature like Hugo and so forth has been ruined by his cheese, Ted tells them to buy some chains and bang them on the floor, take a dump on the stage floor after that if they have to, the people will love it, theatre goers are dumber than a sack of hammers these days, just get the f*ck out of [my] office before [i] kick your arses down the stairs
the plot is obviously wide open for a sequel
(four and a half stars)
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