sad

well, i finished my shift halfway through tonight, no mechanical issues.... i only made $50 for myself, more for the owner than for me......... i just feel so bad about how my relationship life is....... when i was living in asia, years ago, i never got invested in any women, i would generally screw a girl for a month and ditch her..... i tried having 'serious' relationships with women before that, 'girlfriends', but all of them were failures anyway so i went away from 'relationships' with women and 'relationships' with society in general for about 2 years or more in the case of the former and about a year and a half before reinserting myself in society, in late december 2003, in communist china......... there in china, my outlook was fairly peaceful, my mindstate most mostly just calm.....one or two chinese people commented to me that i looked sad but it was an infrequent observation mentioned to me.... maybe i looked sad the whole time, but if i was i never particularly seemed to feel it

then, when i started my relationship with my wife, in early 2007, it was very troubling for me because i'd been living in california and fairly happy with life there, frequently dating women briefly and just working and more or less happy, i thought i could just bring that happiness with me to bulgaria but then the reality of the damage the russians forced on their vassal states in eastern europe was a living reality to me after about a month of my buzz from living in california disappeared and i descended into hell........ i pretty much stayed there, in hell, the entire 2 years i spent in bulgaria until returning to australia in early 2009 when the hell disappeared thanks to the more or less happy, sunny dispositions of the australians......... i didn't mind being dark and quiet, like in china in 2003/2004 because i was happy in my own way, although not given to the australian cheerfulness at that time, it didn't matter because the people in china are on a different wavelength, i was well suited to it and generally was calm there

when i got to bulgaria i lost my cool completely and could no longer be zen and calm.... i cannot believe that the relationship with my now wife endured through all of that.........it's a really bad relationship now, it seems.... she's very unhappy with me, prefers to live with her mother over me....prefers her mother to be live in carer of our child over me (i'm a man she says, not fit to rear a little child - complete sexist hypocrisy from today's woman)

looking back at some episodes in my childhood --- something i used to feel the need to discuss with people, but haven't for years, but for some reason now, i feel the need to mention on my blog, was the relationship between my sister, that i am estranged with, that now lives in madrid, spain; and our father..........when she was a little short of fourteen years of age, she accused him of molesting her and the matter went to the police and then the courts........a judge told my parents they couldn't have access to her until she was legally an adult at age eighteen.... if i ever questioned my father about it, he would become irate and was adament he didn't do anything wrong to her and she just wanted to leave the home and go live her own life as she saw fit........ which i know, for her, was being able to party, live in hip neighborhoods of sydney, not our working class backwoods in the sticks with all the hicks there, take lsd, get drunk, smoke pot, not go to school, all on the tax-payer dime........... she has always insisted she was molested but no medical testing ever said that she was abused despite her accusations specifically to the contrary...... i never felt the need to leave my parents as a teenager, in the sense of going to live with some social workers or a foster family or some christian brothers or whatever, but my brother did the latter for a period and my other sister, who suicided in 1999 at age just short of thirty years, went off to live with some foster family in our neighborhood for a time.......... for that sister, who i was close with and had some love for, she couldn't stand to live with our mother as our mother was a real mess of a person and her pursuit of happiness involved doing zero housework and living in her thoughts while lying around all day, she was also depressed about the family's dissolution

at one point, the sister that suicided, raquel, came back home to live with me and my mother, it was only me and my mother and my father at home in those days and i was about ten years old, raquel saw things my way, that our mother was going crazy and going off the deep end, doing strange things like bragging about drinking bleach to trish, the other sister - that now lives in spain, on an occasion she once visited her mother with one of her canadian runaway friends, that was before she was 18 too so she disobeyed the court's order by visiting her mother.......... anyway, both trish and raquel thought our mother was a mess and they didn't want anything to do with her......... i was becoming alarmed with my mother and getting into altercations with her and ended up pleading with my father to put her in a mental hospital, when i was about ten years old............ that's not something that's conducive to positive outlook on life as a childhood experience but it's what it was, my mother later said the time in the hospital was great for her but i felt bad about it i guess and later in 1996, after spending about half a year in spain, while visiting australia for a month, i thought my brother was bugging out too so i brought him to a mental hospital too........ i remember giving him a kiss on the head before leaving him there, i flew back to spain shortly thereafter and spent a year there...... where i became pussy-whipped smitten with some californian girl and then hopelessly heartbroken after that for months afterwards here in sydney after saying goodbye to her at barajas airport and flying to cairo for  a few days and home to sydney

unfortunately, the bitchiness and animosity and one up-manship and grudge-match-ism so prevalent in my youth, amongst all of my family members, excepting my mother it seems, was something i was able to avoid manifesting mostly in life, despite going through some failed relationships with various women in my early 20s, i generally didn't resort to real bitchy animosity, there was just a sense of competitive-ism with three of them i guess and it was important to them to tell me i might be gay and that they were smarter than me, which i didn't really care about anyway

in the mental hospital when i was ten, i could see my mother and everyone in there was in a bad way...... i felt suicidal a few times as a ten or eleven year old around these times and later somewhat as a sixteen year old although these feelings went away during half a year i spent in spain although i was still depressed there and lonely, but my mind was very busily occupied all the time grappling with learning the language there, so i didn't have any kind of suicidal ideations........

after my sister suicided in 1999, my life fell apart, i got kicked out of film school, my girlfriend of 18 months left me to spend a year in ireland, i went home to my father and spent at least half a year avoiding marijuana and alcohol and generally got along with my father, my mother was in spain at the time for a year.......however i fell into more depression.......i had a taxi license but it never occurred to me to work, i just sat around all day which contributed to my depression.......then in late july 2000 i flew off to bangkok and started drinking heavily and smoking weed.... i ended up spending two years travelling at that time including a quarter year in virginia around the time of 9/11......... that quarter year was yet another peaceful year in my life without depression or unhappy thoughts........ i've actually had many good years in my life like that, including my last year of high school which i did in newcastle, north of sydney, by telling some government social workers that my family was a fuck-up and i wanted an independent stipend........some university kids i associated with in virginia told me you can't pull that shit in america and they were right

some days in 2003 or late 2002, i would wake up and think to myself: why did i leave america, i had it so good there....the same thing happened to me in bulgaria as i grappled with the realization that i had thrown my happy life in california away, it was like the thoughts of a disincarnated soul after it suicides.......... of course, in 2003, i could have just bought an airfare to america and gone there....... i could have just driven a taxi and saved more money....... i just didn't..........maybe there's just something wrong with me like bad genes or something

on a spiritual level, i really believe life experience and living and life serves the purpose of soul evolution, so that no matter what the problem, one must go ahead with life....... many times i thought i had mastered  various problems, only to realize that some trigger, like going to live in a new location, could exascerbate issues.........the one thing i found in life though, with depression and regrets, there's always a reason, a choice, a mis-application of free-will that leads to the regret...... people don't make bad choices coz they have bad genes, they make bad choices because they have free will which is a gift from almighty God and a serious thing and because they are human and therefore fallible........also, bold life choices, while leading to suffering and error, can contribute greater to soul evolution nonetheless, better, many times, than just going ahead pursuing a kind of whoozy calm and happiness which is a very complacent pursuit we find sometimes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t2yrDWEoCpc

alot of people when they're young are looking to build a career but that didn't seem that important to me, i thought i should try and get a grip on pot and alcohol addiction and just go through life so as avoid feeling uncomfortable around people...... i thought for a while i could go to film school and become a filmmaker and make a living like that but then my sister suicided and i lost interest...... i'd often enter situations for a year, like a new high school or university, happily make friends there and then move on and forget about the people........there was one friend i made in spain, i'd be happy to talk to him on skype now, but i lost his details a long time ago, there are probably a number of people like that over the years but as time went on it seemed that forging relationships was pointless and lead more or less to nothing........ i couldn't create anything with anyone i knew as i wasn't an actor or musician or career-minded person to become a doctor or an engineer or something like that..... i just wanted to go live in random places and see the people......well i'm sure whatever i end up learning from this lifetime is something i'll be able to manifest in a future lifetime............ i did end up thinking building a relationship with my wife was worthwhile in order to build a family, but i'm seeing now it's becoming impossible because she prefers to live with her mother and have her as a nanny for her son and keep her job than live with me

the disregard and lack of good will so apparent in my immediate and even extended family relationships of my own family, sadly i have resurrected this into my relationships with my wife, so that it's common for the two of us to destroy eachother with words and arguments..... it's very unfortunate, and try as you might to not project what you subconsciously learn in your childhood, you'll have a hard time avoiding it

everything is one big argument with my wife and it's really breaking my heart especially because i'd come to feel an affection and a bond for our little son of ten months but it doesn't feel appealing to me to encourage a situation of divorce and shared parenthood in a dissolved marriage which is very fashionable these days but not appealing to me..... so i miss him very much but do not think it's right to spend alot of time with him in the next two weeks.... at the same time i feel very unsettled and am looking for a bold solution like going to spend a few months in vietnam or something like that and letting the impressions of a different world overwhelm my consciousness which i have found interesting in the past......... i don't know if i agree with the happy separation and happy sharing of the offspring and happily getting on with your life, i'm not ready for that just yet......... i normally wouldn't drink but i think i'm gonna drink a lot tonight and listen to music

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyIOl-s7JTU

gee i don't know, maybe i attracted a mate for reproduction that i wouldn't love enough to feel completely broken and heartbroken over should she leave me..... i never had sheldon from big bang theory to offer advice in the past........ take the girl i was living with during my quarter year in virginia around the time of 9/11....... i was on the rebound from some girl i really loved......... she rejected me, it hurt, also the californian girl rejected me in the same city, madrid, it was hard for my psyche, i knew i'd dump that girl after i used her for a 1/4 year stay at her crib in virginia and got my payback on american women for being so sorely misused........ so i hurt her, i even saluted her goodbye at dulles airport, she saluted me back, that was the last time i saw her, it was the war on terror and all that shit.......... gee i'm just a fucking arsehole and a rotten bastard......... God knows i tried to be good, i spent hours in meditation, trying to improve myself........ i tried hard to avoid women, knowing it would be trouble, but couldn't avoid getting wrapped up with their bullshit

that girl in virginia, i didn't sit around all day thinking i was gonna dump her, i was just gonna lose her..... she asked me towards the end of my stay if she could follow me to paris, i just dismissed it..... even one of my co-workers mentioned doing that.......... i had nothing but respect for the people i encountered in virginia during that stay...... if i was lame eurotrash, or some kind of douche-bag ossie, those were my shortcomings........ in virginia during those 90 days my speech unexpectedly reverted to a slow, extremely authentic aussie drawl.... a real australian accent..... i didn't know i had it in me, sometimes my mate couldn't even understand what i was saying because of the bastardization of language, making all the 't's into 'd's and what not........ i really loved that girl, to be honest, i never had one negative thought about her i can recall...... the people in virginia likewise were irreproachable, i was sometimes expecting to be hazed or dissed because of all the hazing i received in australia socially as a school student, i guess when i acquired my aussie accent, actually only one american guy, george, the one that mentioned following me to paris, hazed me telling me he loved me 'you gay faggot', my other co-worker billy thought i had something stuck up my arse, in hindsight, i understand where they were coming from......... from when i turned the tv on on 9/11 after 25 days in america or so, until when i left about 65 days later, my eyes were glued to the tv every day after working with bleach, pressure washing roofs with afore-mentioned billy and george......... i must confess i loved watching 9/11 unfold everyday.... watching the secret service pick the president up by the armpits and drag him away, the fighter jets scrambled over virginia, i regretted not going to the pentagon a short drive up the road from nearby quantico to watch the smoke and confusion there..... visiting the world trade centres shortly after the attacks, the smoke in the air, the spirit of the new yorkers - alot of it shock at the time, some amused cosmopolitan new yorker girl, light years ahead of me in terms of not being a redneck..... the stealth bomber flying out from kansas, the first military response to 9/11, on its way to afghanistan with its pilot wearing a nappy so he could crap on the long flight, the african americans in nyc homeless with their 'yell at me for $2' signs......... what a magnificent nation, what a blessed nation, what a great and mighty place........ even just 90 days there was a magical experience, not a moment of it was a downer for me, not a moment, except maybe the crazy italian ex-cop screaming in my face for my incompetence on the 10th september, that just made me want to poop and quit my job, which i did (in a restroom)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=saag5yKhv_s

even the congress came out and spontaneously sang a rendition of 'God Bless America my home sweet home' -- magnificent..... really like being abducted by a UFO and brought to a more advanced civilization on their home planet........ i remember visiting a military base after 9/11 and the cute buck-toothed freckled white girl with her M-15, couldn't have been older than 18 and her african american handsome and solid looking comrade, just kids, with their M-15s..... and then visiting a home on the base and noticing a pillow there, lovingly embroidered with a motto something like: we prefer peace, but if we have to go war, we will..... these are fundamentally decent people that you find in virginia, they are not malicious people..... it's sad that that translates into giant airplanes dropping bombs over vietnam or whatever or somewhere in iraq killing innocent families, that's a tragedy, the never-ending blood-lust of humanity, no wonder the soldiers end up wanting to suicide after that, completely normal reaction - that's their humanity, that suicidal ideation, can you imagine if some evil doctor type in the military-industrial complex invented a pill so they would kill indiscriminately without feeling a loss of dopamine and seratonine leading to suicidal ideation? they would be monsters after that, not humans

well after that glorious and mighty vision of america, my life resumed its usual current of hanging with the less winning folks of the world, due to my bad genes or whatever...... i took my flight home to madrid, i had a vision of the madrilenos, after those 90 days in america, something like how Eisenhower would have seen them: monkeys packed into all kinds of places....... i made some useful contacts in paris in that day or so and caught a long, slow bus up to paris, the pretenders song 'special' was playing on the bus as we headed into paris i distinctly remember

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2Kv_H-G1rCI

all i achieved by doing this is pretty much all i have ever achieved in this lifetime, being a douche, semi-lame, identifiable as gay, despite preferring women over men, some kind of non-entity....... why would i care? it's all i ever knew anyway.... i was interested, and had been since living in spain in early 1996 to do what i was about to do which was get france out of my system, i didn't know how long it would take, i thought going in i was ready to spend my entire life there.....what really happened was i just got a job for some big multi-national oil company, made an okay living, found an expensive small apartment in a snobby neighborhood, visited israel, on a whim, during a long weekend, to jerusalem for three days......... nothing....... as i said, the life of a transient, a nobody, a non-comprehender of the meaning or importance of human relations or human pursuits....... none of the qualities that the people in virginia i had left behind like optimism, respectfulness, happiness, none of those things meant anything to me, they were alien, i was a stain! i didn't even like that pretenders song! and although i thought of my compatriots in spain as 'those monkeys south of the border' during my stay in paris, i am still luke-warm about the french, while esteeming their positive qualities, i think their economy is only going backwards in the european union......... france is not for me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9HB-mNS-ros

i went back home to my parents and my brother to live with them, i thought i'd save some money quickly and go live in nyc but i fell into a deep state of passivity, questioning the way forward and what my values were, i was interested in president bush's leadership during this stage and generally, i would say, i think he was a great president, some of his leadership influenced my decision to go live in communist china, and he was another happy, strong, american beacon shining out there, but it was alien to me, all i knew was failure and meaninglessness, or just shadows of my own stupidity and perceived stupidity, reading on philosophy still held an interest...... none of the relationships i had cultivated had grown to anything.... my parents and my brother were just my house-mates, no more or less....... i even now regret my father's suicide and inability to associate with him now because i loved my father, although he was a pushy, bossy son of a bitch...... without falling into the trap of self-pity or self-deprecation, i must say, my life at that point in sydney, right here where i started, had amounted to nothing..... spiritually i believed whatever i could draw out of the ATM machine of spiritual advancement or learning at that point, was my eternal soul's for the future to keep, still, things looked bleak........... i might mention that i never had, until that point, any kind of advantage through racial bonding except the three years i'd spent in spain with my own race there, and which, all prior to 9/11, i never thought of as dumb monkeys.........

it might be interesting then, for you, to walk around spain with me in the year 2000, to see it as i did..... in madrid, the people always noted my accent was a foreigner's, because i never learnt spanish until i was a 16 year old in spain..... often people would ask me where i was from and i would always say 'australia' and then they would ask me how it was i spoke spanish so well (they did not my alien accent though) and i always said that my parents were from spain..... i was very happy to walk around with my race brothers and sisters there and just observe their way of living, i mentioned some relationships with a couple of american girls earlier on this post........... now whether it's because europe is progressively getting worse and worse (i suspect this to be the case) or because of my own distortions from my travels and my perceptions, it does

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YLrfVAdYuTY

seem to me that spain was a lovelier nation in  92/93, 96/97 and 2000/2001 when i knew her to how she is now, as of last visit last august.... it seems the european union is making spain worse and worse.........it's strange and amazing to see how different pockets of the world evolve differently and on different lines.... very amazing......... i could tell you about the two weeks or so i spent in the uygur capital of xinjiang, china: urumqi.... but what would be the point? at this stage i just want to finish my second bottle of wine which one of my customer's left tonight in the pocket in front of them, a few inches behind my back.... i'm just a robot now, a machine that drives, got sore at its life-mate/woman....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DXb4sDqs56I

i miss my son..... what a joy it was to pick him up from his little pram, he would put his hands in the air, i spoke to him so tenderly, i always had such love for him, i would pick him up and say 'push-ups' and push him up and down in the air as i stood, some six feet and more above me...... sometimes he would pout happily and put his hand to his mouth.... other times, more recently, he looked nervous about it......... i feel my love for him is infinite......... drinking a second bottle of wine right now, might not be a good way to show that, but i cannot control his destiny, he's in his mother's hands and she's a problem relationship for me

well it turned out to be only half a bottle of wine after all, you know i'm really quite a reformed alcoholic, i first started drinking at fifteen, about a year after smoking a lot of hash for the first time, and really gave up the both of them years ago which was a big deal for me (difficult).... i did a piss by the electrical box

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YnmjGc3kXm0

where i sometimes park my car these days outside my home..... the cat pudsy was outside meowing at me, i petted her and told her telepathically that she, or he, is better off than i am, don't know if it got the message but it was meowing more after i left it outside so i brought it inside.......... somehow this reminds me of my buddy Jen from springfield, illinois..... this girl hit me up on the internet on a dating website around when i was in urumqi, mentioned above.... she was long time resident in kunming, china, near the border with vietnam.... she had two rabbits as pets, me-do and wee-wee or something like that, one of them was definitely called me-do.........despite not having smoked pot since early 2007 in los angeles, the thought occurred to me tonight to buy some and smoke it tonight, maybe that would chill me out........ i must say that writing makes me feel better, it's not good to be drinking but i can't help myself........when i was a teenager i liked to read alot, i was always reading, les miserables, stephen king books, huxley's brave new world....... that's what i wanted to mentioned earlier about the meaninglessness of relationships: during that 18 month stay, after that half year in paris, with my parents and my brother, there was one relationship, one guy i knew in virginia, it was his parents' home that had the embroidered cojin i mentioned, he was a good friend to me during this period, i guess i was struggling with existential questions that the weaklings among us struggle with, and he always seemed to be there, over the internet, a friend....... he was a good fellow..... he's still around although i don't stay in touch with him, i guess like a lot of people, he has a bad opinion of me...... maybe that's why i decided to creep into my taxi and become a money-making robot, driving around all the time, a way to avoid life, relationships, rejection......nothing seems to make sense..... anyway, this girl Jen, she actually proposed marriage to me, at this point i was living in bulgaria and i even bought a ticket to america after a year in bulgaria and meant to meet Jen, not for marriage, but just to kickstart a new page in my life in america, but i wasn't allowed to fly for visa reasons and ended up penniless and homeless in dublin, ireland, reading a book in a library there about kgb agents posted around the world and holding a cup for spare change from passer-bys and getting free meals and having (not enjoying) free accommodation with the homeless irish, many of them wicked heroine junkies....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ffr0opfm6I4

i don't know much about heroine addiction and am just rambling and babbling now, my buddy Christine comes to mind, a case that really impressed me and i mentioned earlier on my blog, when we were studying at our prestigious university together here in sydney in 1998/99, she was studying sociology and was a good friend of mine.... at the time, her brother Rob was already a heroine user but she wasn't.... now i occasionally see Rob as i drive by a traffic light, he's out there cleaning windscreens for a few dollars to buy his heroine... he's american, his mother is dutch........what a waste of a u.s. passport for both him and his sister, God if i had a u.s. passport i would be out of here in a second and flying straight to houston in a beeline.........

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K_FEULRoOTY

yep, guess i'm just unhappy.... if i could go live in america i would in a heartbeat, just go live with some niggaz in a homeless shelter...whatever, drive around texas....... i was happy for a while re-arranging some hazy memory lane somehow and just writing.... but now that spurt is over and my sadness has returned.... i don't care to resurrect more memories of my sister raquel or my past..... nothing seems to make any sense to me at all..... the cats on the bed, did i just see its aura? i'll try starting a new short film project i had in mind