Don't let anyone play this music in the restaurant you'll drive the customers away, I don't think it's on rotation anywhere on Earth 🌎, or elsewhere....
https://youtu.be/By86PcLufOU
'funky brunch'
That'd be good on a menu at Wahlburgers, right? Bet you never thought of that you dirty bastard.
And given his name recognition amongst the populace at large as a thespian. It reminds me of the time I walked up to a hamburger stall ( no walk in space just a counter) and ordered a burger. It wouldn't have been to my satisfaction as I threw it mightily against the back wall with a tremendous splatter shortly thereafter, clean up on aisle one Gonzago. Yes, like the time when I was four or five years old and punched my fellow four or five year old in the nose, making it bleed, for being a brave swimmer, unlike me. Or the time I a salt Ted [sic] a cop. It was not my finest moment. Certainly I hope God will judge me on the good I've done and forgive the bad (like all of the aforementioned just to mention a trifling few).
Still wouldn't that be great at Wahlburgers? Have a competition around the world, every month the greatest tantrum chucker gets a free $100 voucher. Just have a screen test once a week in the restaurant to see who can have the most emphatic rant about how horrible their burger was without smashing anything, assaulting anyone or getting arrested. Show a highlight reel from time to time in the restaurant (not all the time though).
Try contacting the CEO in Sydney of Guzman and Gomez, he's actually not hispanic so you won't catch wetback from him. He's a former NYC investment banker cum (yes cum) taco restaurant chain holder (and CEO). HE'S practically family. He knows how to run a chain of restaurants in Australia. It's a lot of work with lawyers as the rules here are constantly changing. I'd be good at winging that without lawyers much, I have a good business sense for the legality of stuff.
Speaking of legality, insert wavy screen effect and harp music. Courtroom, Benji is lawyer and judge and jury and bailiff and audience. Benji's face is on everyone in the courtroom except in the witness box where Marky Mark sits.
Q, have you ever been known casually as Marky Mark?
Mm, yes
Q, you've appeared in movies with this teddy bear known as Ted?
Mm, yes I have.
Q, have you ever seen Ted do any kind of somersaults more than just a single somersault like a double or triple or more somersaults, either in the edited movie or just hanging out
Benji: objection!
Benji, overruled, you'll have to answer that mr Wahlburger
Mm, Wahlburg
Benji, sorry Wahlburg. Let the record show his name's not Wahlburger
Mm, no I've never seen Ted do any kind of somersault that I can recall at the moment
Benji, have you ever seen Ted listen to Elton John or been around him while he was listening to Elton John
Benji defense, objection your honor, this is privileged information, potentially prejudicial. Speculative and irrelevant.
Benji judge, stay on track with this. Answer the question mr Wahlburg.
Mm, well technically Ted is a cgi character inserted into the movie later so technically I've never really spent time with Ted ever
Benji prosecution, objection your honor, we've been through all this before, he's avoiding the question
Benji judge, sustained. Mr Wahlburg answer the question to the best of your knowledge
Mm, to the best of my knowledge I've never known Ted to listen to Elton John or do any kind of somersaults that I can think of
Courtroom breaks out into murmuring and scandalized conversations. Gavel beating
Order! Order! Order!
Benji, let the court be advised this is exhibit c (holds up an empty jar). Mr Wahlburg, have you ever known Ted to use a potty mouth or cuss jar to throw small change in in an effort to stop himself from using foul language?
Mm, no I haven't
Benji, but at the same time you admit it's possible this very jar could have been found among Ted's effects and could actually have his paw prints on it?
Mm, it's possible I'm not privy to all his secrets. Same time it makes sense that jar is empty
Benji, very well. Since you admit you're not privy to all of Ted's secrets, have you ever known him to associate with his own kind?
Mn, with other Teddy bears?
Benji, exactly
Mn, no I've never known him to do that. I've only ever seen him with humans. When I was a kid he was the only Teddy bear I had
Benji, so then you wouldn't know who these guys are (lifts curtain on a large photo on an easel of Ted with other Teddy bears at a picnic)?
Mn, no actually that's the first time I've seen Ted with his own kind, ever
Benji, have you ever heard of Teddy Ruxpin?
Mn, no I haven't
Benji, have you heard of Pearl Jam?
Mn, yes I have.
Benji, watch this commercial see if it jogs your memory of Teddy Ruxpin....
https://youtu.be/8EshrR-xk2E
Mn, that's cute. I don't actually remember Teddy Ruxpin, but I don't think Ted would want to spend time with him based on their personalities are very different.
Benji, sure. Did Ted ever talk to you about ritualistic suicide, specifically japanese samurai style?
Mn, no not really. We might have seen that on tv like in a movie and someone made a passing comment but I definitely can't remember anything like that right now. It's definitely not something he would have mentioned more than once, just in passing like..... Not his cup of tea.
Benji, (flips Teddy bears picnic picture over). So he definitely wouldn't have mentioned these same Teddy bears all disembowelling themselves at the same time, altogether with their own little samurai swords?
Mm, (sits up straight). Hell no! Is that polyester stuffing?
Benji, yes, forensics lifted from the scene indicate each bear disembowelling themselves at the same time with the little samurai swords pictured.....
Mm, my God, can I have a box of kleenex please?
(Judge nods to bailiff)
.... Marky Mark, I'm going to flip through ten pictures with you. Nine of them are real and only one has been slightly doctored. I want you to tell me if it's out of character for the Ted you knew, keeping in mind there are sides to Ted you're obviously not aware of or haven't been aware of before today. If it's something you could imagine him doing, say so.
Mm, sure
.... Okay after having seen all of those pictures the only one that really seems like the Ted I know is the one of him on the boat with the bikini clad seventeen year old girls.....
Benji, none of the other photos seem like Ted?
Mm, maybe the one of him with some Italian mobsters high fiving after seemingly having pushed another teddy bear down a flight of steps and possibly having beaten it before that with golf clubs. But that's just guessing as I've never seen Ted hang out with italian mobsters. All the other pictures are of Ted with powerful people from all around the world, what is he CIA or something?
Benji, no more questions at present your honor. Your witness.
Mm, wait, you said one of those ten pictures was doctored? Which one was fake I'm really curious now?
Benji, I don't have to tell you that.
Mm, why not?
Benji, because you can go ahead and eat shit that's why not, you dirty slut. Your witness.
Benji defense, Mucky muck, can I call you that?
Mm, it's Marky Mark, with an R, not Mucky muck
Benji defense, ok but you concede with a Boston accent your name might sound like Mucky Muck
Mm, yes that's plausible. But I prefer Marky Mark over Mucky Muck
Benji defense, you prefer to be over Mucky Muck. I guess that makes sense. (Pauses, walks over to jurt [sic]) you just said in open court not ten minutes ago that you've never heard of Teddy Ruxpin.
May the court consider the following:
https://youtu.be/GHOgErGvyTE
Mm, ok maybe I got concussed right there. I don't remember every single little thing in my life all the time, who does? I never meant to be misleading when I said I'd never heard of Teddy Ruxpin earlier, I'd just forgotten about it.
Benji defense, can you remember the last time you got your mother a birthday present?
Mm, no I can't
Benji defense, is it because Ted bested you in hand to paw combat?
Mm, no it's because she was a crazy bitch. Coming up she'd burn my pants and tell me it was because Jesus hated me and the only way forward was to become best friends with Satan like she did. I had to turn my piano into a sewing machine and stitch potato sacks together to wear to school.
(Courtroom collectively gasps in shock)
Benji defense, take a kleenex, they're clean, otherwise they'd call them dirtyex. Did you get teased at school for wearing potato sacks for pants?
Mm, no I'm from a tight knit community, nobody ever made trouble for me like that. Sometimes in the cafeteria the cooks would reach into my pants to make french fries but that was rare and always based on a misunderstanding like they were too tired or their husbands beat them the night before. Nobody ever meant me any harm.
Benji defense, does this woman look familiar to you Marky Mark?
Mm, yes I met her after a trip to rural California, we got to talking and I told her I'd like to bang her like a broken marijuana vending machine until she put out what I wanted and then shuddered and shook and went into sleep mode.
Benji defense, shuttered, like a window with blinds shuttered.
Mm, no shuddered, like shake.
Benji defense, why would she shudder?
Mm, it was sexual innuendo, I was suggesting to her we screw like dogs on the street in a Greek village.
Benji defense, what happened next?
Mm, we got together then I fell asleep and when I woke up she and her car was gone.
Benji defense, let the court consider exhibit KC, a speeding ticket issued shortly after she left her rendezvous with Marky. (Pause) do you know where she was going when she got that ticket Marky?
Mm, no idea, I never spent time with her again after that.
Benji defense, she was on her way to a wedding chapel in Vegas. Exhibit KD, random lady at the wedding altar being stood up by Marky Mark.
Mm, is that what happened I had no idea.
Benji defense, didn't you mention anything about that to her?
Mm, I don't remember but anyway that might have been a good lifestyle choice for her, how did it turn out for her?
Benji defense, it turned out well at least in the sense that her previous marriage hadn't been officially annulled by that point
benji judge, where is all this going?
Benji defense, I'm trying to establish my client is forgetful, disorganized, careless and uncommitted. Marky Mark I call bullshit on your testimony, bullshit on your lifestyle choices.
Mm, I call bullshit on your bills, ten dollars for a photocopy, did Marilyn Munro sit on your machine or something? Jesus
Benji judge, order, order (bangs gavel)
Elton john bro....
https://youtu.be/RsKqMNDoR4o
.... As the commotion and gavel banging in the courtroom went on, Marky Mark catches a glimpse of Ted who is standing right in front of him.
Mm, Ted! Where have you been? Am I having a nightmare
Ted, are you having a nightmare? Remember that tv show Quantum Leap with the dopey guy with the first mobile phone that keeps zapping his buddy all around the place?
Mm, Sam!
Ted, that's the one. Well guess what? Now I'm that guy and my computer's name is Ziggy and you're Sam
Mm, that's great news! It means I can get the hell out of here and we can catch up! Where are we going?
Ted, remember the 80s rap sensation Run DMC right? Well DMC is about to get shot by a jealous gangbanger, according to Ziggy you need to finish the concert then hightail it out of there before you get shot
Mm, you mean I'm going to be DMC?
Ted, what's wrong with the first mobile phone ever? (Bangs phone..... Flashing light and quantum leap ensues..... Marky Mark becomes DMC in the middle of a rap concert rapping Run's house)
Run's house bro, whose house?
https://youtu.be/0xMJZHrG_94
Ted's house bro
https://youtu.be/S3LPWg2CS-o
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