https://www.marca.com/en/lifestyle/celebrities/2023/06/16/648ca6f1e2704e763d8b4608.html
If the stars align and I ever get round to condescending to make a feature length movie for the ignorant and undeserving masses, I can tell you the first big name on my radar I need to check on is Kevin Spacey.
As a filmmaker I personally do not give a shit if he has sexually assaulted some thespian guys in England. I mean that's something for his lawyers to worry about.
I mean if I find an actor one day that I want to make a feature length film with one day, with dialog and a story. I mean not just filming trees for 90 minutes like Andy Warhol or something. I mean I have worked with actors before. What I know about Kevin from my taxi driving days is like he threw a chair at someone in Sydney or something and has a few loose screws. I don't even know what part of America he's from or most of his movies, just American Beauty and like he pretends to be a cripple and all kinds of other odd characters in one of his movies. I just think he is someone I could see myself wanting to make a film with. I mean if he tried grabbing my nuts I would hit him no doubt but just want to keep working I wouldn't run crying to law enforcement.
I think I can get his agent's contact details on IMDb. I prefer snail mail anyway. I'll just start sampling my questions now ...
Question one, consider the cowboy from Mulholland Drive:
1) in a few words, describe where you might find a store that sells the exact clothes the cowboy is wearing.
2) suppose you'd never seen the movie or couldn't remember how the director guy in black clothes got all the pink stuff on his outfit, how might you think his outfit got like that?
Oh ok now I remember there's one other Kevin Spacey movie like Bad Bosses or something... Let me find the scene where he drives off in his Porsche... Ok yeah Horrible Bosses, he's in that movie, that's a very entertaining movie....
https://youtu.be/TgACfyfjFBI
3) "there's sometimes a buggy, how many drivers does a buggy have?" Describe in about fifty words what the buggy might look like. Draw a picture of it (use coloured pencils or crayons).
4) based on the cowboy's appearance, would you say he has a firearm on his person and or on his buggy? Explain fifty words approximately.
5) the famous movie quote, "this is a bust!" refers to
a statue bust
be groping some lady's chest
C something else
6) Jedd Clampet's next door neighbours in the Beverly Hills are:
a Jethro and Ellie May
b the Drysdales
c moonshine vessels
7) consider the Dennis Leary song, I'm an asshole. John Wayne is going to be extremely angry after being unthawed..... Why?
a. Someone called his sister a fuggen shlut
B. Someone took his authentic cowboy clothes and gave him shit clothes like that cowboy from Malibu
C. He's not like Rock Hudson but a real dick swinging tough guy even off stage, not just a fudge packing little bitch
D. Some other reason, explain what (eg hairlice)
8) two donuts 🍩☕🍩🍩☕ at a cafe start talking to each other, the chocolate donut says it's gay but the strawberry donut says it's transgender. When is it lying?
a) Monday
B) fifty £ sterling
C) Jesus
9) paraphrasing the immortal Bard, we hear that all the world's a stage, folks go huffing and puffing to a meaningless or mysteriously incomprehensible grave. The most correct answer is:
a) Saturday
b) fish in a fish tank
C) ten gallons of unleaded gasoline
10) again with the immortal Bard, Hamlet worries about death because no man returns to tell his story from there: choose the most appropriate response....
a) elevator operator in a department mall
b) devastation
c) fire and brimstone
In the year 2049 women will most likely go out jogging in clothing made from such sheer elastic material, it will cling to every contour of their reproductive organs.
a) true
b) false
C) provide other answer (eg sexism / sandpaper, etc)
By 2037 artificial intelligence will enhance American society by facilitating quadruples and quintiples (marriages involving four or five creatures including at least three humans)
a) true
b) false
C) provide other answer , eg watermelon, more suicide safety nets for the suiciding slaves at Foxconn and elsewhere in China, etc
If Woody Allen had the benefit of a quintiple way relationship organised by AI, what other three parties might be involved apart from his Korean foster child....
(List three parties)
The modern day convenience store phenomenon caught on camera where convenience store customers step over a dying person on the floor, make a purchase and leave without showing concern, is known as:
a) ghost-stepping
b) the butterfly knife
C) the ducky boys
(Just choose one answer that seems most relevant)
Currently chickens are genetically altered to grow to full size from hatching in six weeks instead of three months, obviously to make the process cheaper. Often the chickens are often unable to stand up because of genetic modifications. From this we can most likely construe which:
a) genetic abnormalities make the world go round
b) yo mamma's so fat Greenpeace tries to roll her back into the water when she gets the subway to Coney island.
C) provide other answer here, eg movies with too much gratuitous violence like matrix part eight are ridiculous
'the roof is on fire, we don't care let the m#therf#cker burn ', is most applicable:
a) in Hindi culture only
b) in a fire brigade station in Hollywood or somewhere
C) in the Milky way galaxy but no other galaxy
South Park once lampooned the French Polynesian Russell Crowe, depicting him as:
a fuggen shlut
b dumb fuggen shlut
C. Semi useless fuggen shlut
The final fight scene in the Wanderers is so ridiculous it's what causes Linda Blair to ask her fellow thespian, "why Dimmy why you do this to me?"
https://youtu.be/3fVmWP4hozI
True
False
Some other answer, eg.... Turnips, tomato paste, front end loader, bulldozer, etc
Question 19 or whatever):
Considering question one again, imagine smash and grab looters such as those that drive major businesses out of San Francisco, find the cowboy's clothing store and it's called Rodeo Darive (yes, with an 'a'). Describe your feelings in twenty words approximately at seeing Rodeo Darive gutted and looted along with all the other nearby stores
Continuing in that vein, imagine you notice one store miraculously escapes damage and there's a picture of Trump with a sand wedge standing in a sand bunker after wedging out and racks of Trump brand golf clothes, all miraculously unscathed. In twenty words describe how this makes you feel. You can also just draw a picture for this particular question, but not the previous one (19a whatever like).
Question 20 like,
Watching Benji's freestyle kind of doodling montage style here, we can deduce what? Circle appropriate answers:
https://youtu.be/YA8bEGM8EgQ
1) Christopher Walken would stick a gold watch up his ass because some people enjoy that kind of thing
2) seals are less likely to be diced by a helicopter rotor than dragonflies and grasshoppers
3) the celebrity isn't running away from the tank but running towards his bitch priests that run late night tv shows
4) mass casualty attacks (MCAs) involve dismemberment of various body parts like legs and arms from trunks and severe loss of blood
5) the fire and ice routine in Blades of Glory looks safer and cozier than the North Korean iron lotus move
6) a cheese grater in a pizza parlour is indispensable
21 like)
Continuing from point 6 of like question 20. Rats love cheese but they love the pied piper of Hamlin even more. Warner Brothers is casting for a big blockbuster comedy based on a modern day pied piper evacuating all the homeless scum of the earth from California with a magical something or other. Your agent tells you to go for anything just to give your career a jolt but you feel the movie is disrespectful and cynical towards homeless people. What do you do? (Choose only one answer, not zero).
1) put in your ear pods and listen to Eminem and go for a skate on your skateboard. Better just get your mind off it.
2) start comfort eating to get your mind off everything
3) find a safer form of exercise less likely to end in injury
4) drive a tractor around, maybe you'll see the cowboy guy from Mulholland Drive.
Next question, Joe Biden decides to go touchy feely with you in the White House, describe your ideal experience as a recipient, be specific. Eg, pectoral rub lasting one minute.
Next question, describe reciprocating this touchy feeliness, keeping in mind time might not even exist, eg., I look around for secret service then rub Joe's calves ten years later. Duration twenty seconds, even though time doesn't really exist.
Next question: Gateway to Uranus - 2047, is a futuristic science fiction thriller:
a) with 2046 prequels and countless AI gerbals
b) about an overworked casting agent in Los Angeles who gets her twin brother to cross dress and cover for her when she needs time out, even though he wouldn't normally cross dress nor work as a casting agent
C) about an early 50s slightly plump or slim, but not fat, lady in a green almost hippy outfit, striking a tamborine with streamers on it for a musical ensemble
Circling back to the Eminem question from a moment ago, putting aside the tractor, etc. Were one to choose skateboarding in such a scenario, prioritise safety equipment as it suits your specific physical needs, assuming you have no stunt doubles and must master skateboarding to some extent, list from one (most important) to four (least important).
a) helmet, protect the brain. b) gloves. C) knee guards. d) leather pants
Circling back to gratuitous and ridiculously absurd and meaningless movie violence to the point where cinema has become an expression of mental illness and general sickness. Choose a way to use a pogo stick unexpectedly to effect devastating and amazing violence in a scene. Explain in one paragraph the dramatic intensity. Assume no use of intense soundtrack.
Shooting a television screen with a handgun is a surefire way to get in target practice and turn the tv off ... Describe what annoying thing would be playing on the tv in an amazing scene where an armchair warmer suddenly shoots their screen (note Star Trek is too obvious an answer/unacceptable)....
Beverly Hills 90210 is a plausible answer, a squirrel 🐿️🐿️, etc. You could also shoot a squirrel on the screen and then focus pull and shoot a squirrel on a branch above the screen.
The four corners of the movie screen are different from the round circle like nature of the planet. It is acceptable to effect a devastating and tremendous attack on the Pentagon in order to transmute from the circular real world to the faux, four cornered flatscreen world:
A) true
B) false
C) only if you want to spend thirty years in Guantanamo Bay
Speaking of Guantanamo Bay, consider this classic scene from A Few Good Men:
https://youtu.be/2sLcfQKU_co
What could be the truth that Colonel Jessup memorably asserts one cannot handle? Circle valid answers:
a) Tom Cruise would never do well playing Rambo because he cannot sew sutures onto his own bleeding arm without a big pain numbing deal
b) Colonel Jessup never had the balls to pick up the judge's hammer and smash Tom Cruise's brains in with it
C) Napoleon never said 'excuse me' and 'please' and 'would you mind terribly?' while conquering armies with a shitload of french soldiers behind him
d) liquor providers in the deep South must curtail alcohol sales on Sundays for religious reasons
E) the Pentagon is an equal opportunity employer
f) Santiago was a substandard marine
g) Kevin Bacon loves breakfast at McDonald's
Returning to the notion of the flat (and large) movie screen, before we look at complex emotions in a close up with a face ten metres wide on the big screen, Vladimir Putin, the modern day czar, is found off aforementioned screen, figuratively speaking, to the:
Upper right
Upper left
Lower right
Lower left
Looking at complex emotions in a close up with a face ten metres wide on the big screen:
Supposing there were countless AI operated gerbals in sci fi thriller Gateway to Uranus: 2047. Your character is a computer programmer with a penchant for breeding rodents who specialises in sticking computer chips into animals, think: the black guy computer programmer who ruins the world in Terminator 2.
Putting aside the politics of having robots for dads who can never yell at their sons, consider the emotional range on the parents faces, contrasted with the tremendous emotion shown on the son's face.
https://youtu.be/laOiuSqjtac
Now consider this movie trailer for Class of 1984, consider the plethora of emotions on everyone's faces.
https://youtu.be/6tlM1gvzOsk
Emotions aside, from a strictly academic perspective, we might say the kid character from Terminator 2 and kids characters from the Class of 1984 are Ivy League material,
True or
False ?
Listening robustly to Deltron 3030 'mastermind' with regard to representations about 'sterling', return to question eight and readjust your answer in different colour ink without amending prior representation if you feel the need.
https://youtu.be/tNDcEaC1xkg
If you do so and see a new representation for question eight, briefly note any difference you note between your buggy doodle and scratchings for question eight.
Guestimate approximately how many hundreds of millions eat,
I) with western style cutlery
Ii) with chopsticks
III) WITH their fingers
Of these, order in order of most likely to least likely those who are likely to care about the singer Madonna's greatest hits.
Circling back to the Terminator and Russell Crowe, consider the character played by Lee Majors:
https://youtu.be/0CPJ-AbCsT8
In a cage fight amongst the aforementioned three characters, who would kill Crowe first and why?
Who would be the last cyborg standing and why?
Consider the world's fastest buggy and its chocolate and strawberry donut like tires ... Note the extreme sophistication in aerodynamics and design:
https://youtu.be/V7707zEX9X4
Taking heed, as Vanilla Ice would say, of the aforementioned bugging, and noting the cowboy's advice from Mulholland Drive that the buggy can only have one driver, which of the following two potential drivers, could be best for the fastest buggy, explain in one paragraph less than two hundred words:
a) the crazy old man that drops his pants from the Simpsons:
https://youtu.be/NRgNbis14pE
b) Pee-Wee Herman after performing a musical virtuoso....
https://youtu.be/XIKHgpnylc8
Next question, Tom Hanks is a homo (pronounced 'home-o'). Circle the word homo.
Justin Bateman was on some 80s show like Family Ties wasn't he? Comment which show without googling or asking or just say can't remember.
Circling back to the French Republican option (C) response from the Guantanamo bay question earlier. Suppose you pass on the option from Warner Bros to work on a Pied Piper of Hamlin production centred on homeless people instead of rats, and take an offer to work on a french movie playing Robespierre the Jacobin revolutionary. Your American agent warns you you won't have any protections under french law with regards to your SAG membership. Later you start shooting and realise the female french director arouses strong misogynistic feelings in you based on her contemptuous treatment of you. You struggle to manage your inner feelings of spite while delivering lines in french which requires daily accent coaching. Do you:
a) play friendly and gift her an unusual hat with sharp edges on the outside which you can later use to dice onions by pelting onions at her head from a hidden storey above (shaving balls). Explain any later possible use of onions if successful at dicing (eg culinary/crying/paste for acrylics)
b) stick her toothbrush up your ass so you can more easily smile for the paparazzi in PR photos with her
c) something else: (write here, eg., get Tom's tumbler from the court room scene aforementioned and murder her cat with it, throw something in her hair a-la Migs in silence of the lambs, etc).
Presque finalment, regardez vous Pierre dans le petit film du gangster rap.... Circle ⭕ the best answer (c'est mieux)... Pierre:
https://youtu.be/B1WUG2wPO6g
a) WC
b) where at
C) guillotine / someone's favorite culler
d) sutures
E) something else: _______________
f) Steve Martin and/or Martin short in the three amigos
g) a bon ratte bon chatte
Circling back to Pee-Wee Herman, buggies, balls. Human cannonballs. Consider the human cannonball in BigTop Pee-Wee from the early 90s. What is the human cannonball's name? Hint: four letters, written on the side of his buggy.
Quoting the Amish people from the aforementioned question regarding Pee-Wee Herman, many people, for 'f-u-u-u-nnnn' (fun), like to watch South Park from Colorado. What is Cartman's mom downloading from the internet in the following scene:
https://youtu.be/XV_Zc-tsLHo?si=X1pbtY5Sl4DpQuyY
1) Kyle's vomit
2) Stan's vomit
3) Alsace Lorraine on the French German border
4) sheiBe
5/) the journalist interviewing slim shady before the Grammys in the real slim shady video clip:
https://youtu.be/eJO5HU_7_1w?si=W4_pyDMwhpjIwwfb
6) women's ⚽ soccer or varsity lacrosse
7) the Italian deck of cards
8) the host of City Vibing in the Gnarls Barkley song ...
https://youtu.be/2GA3a15xF0c?si=m-Ysy6uXZ8i2ikl-
9) someone or something else previously mentioned in this questionnaire
10) someone or something else not previously mentioned in this questionnaire
11) that Mexican lady salma hayak plays Cartman's mom in the gut health phone app
12) Germans and Mexicans are friends, the Three Amigos proves it
11c(I) subsection (5c) Considering aforementioned character(s) and now Bounty Hunter in the POD video clip. Place the following two plot sequences that occur to Bounty Hunter in chronological order:
https://youtu.be/ce2KN06dS7c?si=8XZMcrpccy6q3cOc
Bus hits Bounty Hunter.
Bounty Hunter's girlfriend leaves him.
You go to some ex USSR buttfuck country and have a heart attack. You'll be ok but your doctor says to take it easy for the next year, nothing too hectic. Your agent calls and offers you two cozy options both of which can be done in two weeks on a light schedule:
a) movie studio green screen in a helicopter cabin playing a helicopter pilot in dark sunglasses (not a war-faring machine)
b) on location in a sushi restaurant playing a sushi chef
Your doctor insists you only go with one, due to your heart condition. Which do you choose? Why? (in 200 words or less, eg location is close to ballet theatre, whatever).
Say you chose the helicopter option and never mentioned dicing onions by sticking your arm out the cabin and tossing an onion up, we would assume your pilot is from the deep South. Build a character from the deep South with a grandpappy, moonshine, penchant for country music, etc (200-300 words. On the other hand your pilot is not an onion pitcher, consider where he might be from, Wisconsin, Denmark, etc. Explain.
Would your sushi chef be 109% Japanese, yes or no? Explain.
Circling back to Denis Leary, explain again why John Wayne is angry.
Note: if you selected skateboarding while listening to Eminem as a previous answer and specified having your dog pull your board forward, please indicate how many shards/pieces of glass remain to the best guess (eg one, two, powder) if opting to kill french movie director lady's cat with Tom's tumbler. Ignore glass issue if aforementioned dog was Cujo.
1995: outbreak
Circle only one of the following with any particular color. Multiple colours acceptable.
1) Donald Sutherland
2) accidentally torn Hazmat suit
3) due process
4) Cedar Creek
5) bodybag
6) hurricane Katrina
7) Alverez and Seward Alaska
8) lemur
9) cranberry
10) Top gun2 iceman and maverick are poofters
11) Junior
12) cramped sets
13) facial hair
14) KGB
Please insert completed questionnaire to addressed envelope provided, you may stamp your questionnaire with wax or a digital or holographic identifier or the like if you like. His Benjiness will write again if your answers are deemed suitable. If you have mentioned Denis Leary singing, 'yeah' five or more times, include a photocopy of one of your palms, you may write on your palm if you so please, or draw a picture.
